Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Director: Tom Savini (best known for his special effects & make up in movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre & Friday the 13th; he was also "Sex Machine" in From Dusk 'til Dawn...he's a legend)

Writers: George Romero (he co-wrote the original 1968 film; Day of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead) & John Russo (he co-wrote the earlier screenplay; Voodoo Dawn, Santa Claws)

Starring: Tony Todd (Candyman, Platoon) as Ben; Patricia Tallman (Army of Darkness, Roadhouse) as Barbara; Tom Towles (Dog Day Afternoon, Rob Zombie's Halloween) as Harry Cooper.

IMDB user rating: 6.6 out of 10 stars.

"They're coming for you Barbara!"

Even though I'm not a huge fan of re-makes, 1990's Night of the Living Dead is pretty true to the original in a time when so few are. So sit back and relax, this is not going to be the typical slam-fest review. I'm a big fan of not only George Romero, but of Tom Savini & Tony Todd.

Just in case you've been living under a rock since 1968, I'll set up the plot of Night of the Living Dead for you. A brother and sister drive two hours to place flowers at their mother's grave. Zombies show up, eat the brother, chase Barbara, she ends up in a seemingly abandoned farm house, black guy shows up, people come up from the basement, zombies converge upon the house, people board up the house, shoot the zombies.

With the exception of a few differences, like I said, this movie is pretty true to the original. Barbara's a little more pro-active in the 1990 version, there are more people in the house, and it's shot primarily during the day.

Highlights: Decent time progression (lots of movies jump all over the place due to tight shooting schedules, and we the viewers suffer), there are a couple of funny lines: "They're SO slow, we could walk right past them" (but they never do in zombie movies) & "They're dead but they're comin' right for us!!" Nice. The kid who lives in the farmhouse is given the task of getting out to the gas pump, but it's locked & he has the wrong keys...so what does he do? Shoots the lock. Gas goes everywhere, sprays the torch in the back of the pickup...KABOOM! Dumb kid. The ending is awesome, it's like a zombie jamboree...there's a roach coach, zombie fights, a pig roast & zombie shooting gallery (they hang zombies from a tree and plug away).

Lowlights: As much as I love George Romero, he's not quite a master of dialogue...the script is cheesy. There's a scene where the local news is broadcasting about the zombies, making fun of the scientist that theorize the possibility of people arising from the dead. The reason this is a lowlight is due to the fact that it's what would really happen; even with evidence staring them in the face, people always scoff at the new found reality...remember Independence Day when they made fun of Randy Quaid as he's ranting about being abducted by aliens...all the while there's an alien spaceship hovering in the background? Stupid people.

The ending is same but different: less military, more rednecks. Tony Todd is locked in the basement with a fatal gunshot wound, lights up a smoke & sees the gas pump key hanging on the wall...oh sweet irony.

See this movie, you won't regret it...especially if you love zombies as much as I love zombies.

Check out the trailer: Night of the Living Dead Trailer

Baghead (2008)

Directors/Writers: Jay & Mark Duplass (The Intervention, The Puffy Chair)

Starring: Steve Zissis as Chad (Momma's Boy, The Intervention); Ross Partridge as Matt (Prom Night, Kuffs); Greta Gerwig as Michelle (Hannah Takes the Stairs, Nights & Weekends) & Elise Muller as Catherine (Baywatch Nights, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant)

IMDB User Rating: 5.9 out of 10 stars.

When my friends ask me how and why I started blogging bad movies, I usually start the answer with today's movie, Baghead. I was still awake at around 3am one morning, and amazingly enough, Baghead was really the only thing that caught my eye enough to watch...I needed something mindless; something I didn't care if I fell asleep while watching...Baghead fit that bill.

I have to give the Duplass brothers credit for a somewhat original (if not completely disappointing) concept: Four morons decide to make a film at a cabin in the woods where they're stalked by a man with a bag on his head. Notice I did not call the man a killer...that's part of the disappointment. And that's it...that's the plot in a nutshell. In essence, it's really a movie about itself--a paradox. I could end this review here, and you would be completely up to speed. But then I wouldn't have the chance to go off on one of my infamous rants & slag someone else's hard work, now would I?

It starts with our four movie maker friends at a movie theater, watching another really crappy indie film at which the film maker himself (Jett Garner, played by Jett Garner) is present. One of my favorite lines in the movie comes during the Q & A with Jett, when Matt asks him how he made the movie so cheap (he claimed to have made it for less than $1,000, which was twice as much as he wanted to spend), he explains that he used his parents' camera, natural light, real people...here's the line: "Hollywood has us convinced that it takes a million dollars to make a quality piece of art--and that's a crap statement, as you just saw". Wait a minute...did this guy just call a thousand dollar home movie in which he appears naked a quality piece of art? Yes, yes he did. And it just keeps getting better from there.

Highlights: Ross Partridge's acting isn't bad, but then again, it's in comparison to the rest of the cast, so...who knows, really. There's one boob scene...not bad, but not spectacular.

Lowlights: WAY too many closeups...like, almost the whole film is shot zoomed in...I don't get why. The dialogue is so contrived, you wonder if the Duplass brothers watched too much Curb Your Enthusiasm before they wrote the screenplay and just let the actors go; I'm sure it's meant to be improved and realistic, but it comes out clumsy and embarrassing, and the characters can't seem to gel. In addition to there being way too many close ups, the camera work is shaky and confusing and looks like my dog shot it (not every movie needs a steady cam, but at least invest in a mono pod). The brainstorming sessions our four film making friends have are childish, and again, embarrassing. And there are cheap "boo" moments, and we all know how I feel about those.

You think this movie is gonna be a slasher flick...you know, some psycho out in the woods, wearing a bag on his head for some reason or another, cutting up the people unfortunate enough to be in his neck of the woods that particular weekend. That would have been a good movie.

What we get instead is a huge set-up by Matt: he has a friend of his to come out and scare the shit out of his friends so he can get their genuine reactions and use them in a screenplay. None of them is aware of what's going on until--while running away from Baghead--Chad gets hit by a car. It's all fun and games until the awkward fat guy with the fro gets hurt...I've seen it a thousand times before...

The end is just as uneventful and awkward as the beginning...Chad is lying in the hospital with a bunch of bruises and a cast or two. Matt explains the whole thing to him...and instead of being pissed, he proclaims it to be a brilliant scheme, asks to see the footage, and tells Matt all is forgiven as long as he goes and gets him some ice cream.

I'm warning you, if you decide to watch this movie, you're going to be super pissed when it's over...really. Out of all the movies I've reviewed, only Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire is worse...IMDB users gave it an unbelievable 5.9 out of 10 stars...I give it a 3...and that's being generous.

Thanks for reading, next up is 1990's remake of Night of the Living Dead.

Baghead Movie Trailer

Living Death (2006)

Director: Erin Berry (Trinity Dogs, Time Bomb)
Writers: Erin Berry (Time Bomb, Silent But Deadly), Leo Scherman (lots of T.V.)

Starring: Kristy Swanson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Chase, Big Daddy), Greg Bryk (The Incredible Hulk, Saw V), Joshua Peace (The Brady Bunch in the White House, The Sentinel)

IMDB user rating: 4.1 out of 10 stars.

"Stretch me...but be gentle."

As bad as this movie is, it could've been so much better. The concept is actually not half bad: Rich asshole inherits daddy's money, his abused wife and his lawyer conspire to kill him but mess it up, he comes back seemingly from the dead to exact revenge. Sounds solid, right? Wrong! Bad direction and even worse acting stands in the way once again to ruin what could have been a pretty decent movie.

The opening scene is ridiculous: Victor (the rich asshole played by Greg Bryk) is trying to impress some buxom chick (Kelsey Matheson--Dracula 2000) with his collection of torture devices he keeps in his attic; he has a 17th century rack that she leans over & says (are you ready?) "Nice rack". Somehow he talks her into getting on the damned thing, straps her in, and starts to stretch her. Just as it's starting to really hurt, his wife Elizabeth (Kristy Swanson) comes in & startles him, causing him to lean on the rack's lever, which stretches the girl so much, her tibia rips right through her damn skin! GROSS! But I'm hooked at this point.

Conveniently, Victor has his lawyer Roman (Joshua Peace) re-draft his will to allow him to go out the way he came in...no embalming, no make up, "Just put me in my best Italian suit and throw me in the ground". Fair enough...not unheard of at all...but convenient given the plot.

Roman decides the best way to take Victor out is with a drug, especially since the will disallows an autopsy. The scene at his drug dealer's place is out of this world; Roman asks his dealer (Rajiv Narang) for a "totally new high", stating he's tired of the coke, the meth & the crack. Dealer (that's how he's credited) tells him about this "extremely rare" neurotoxin that comes from blow fish called tetrodotoxin (TTX). He gives the back story about how if it's not prepared right, the sushi that comes from this fish can kill you; in fact, one blow fish contains enough TTX to kill 30 people. I checked this out, and it's true. Here's where the science fiction comes in: Dealer tells Roman that TTX can make a person appear dead..."Like a zombie?" Roman asks. "No, not like a zombie! Zombie's are dead, asshole". I love it when people talk about zombies like they're real. But again, TTX is extremely rare and almost impossible to get a hold of...which he basically tells Roman as he's reaching into his refrigerator to grab a vial of the stuff. I also love the fact that some skanky drug dealer in the valley can get his hands on TTX. Roman takes the drug, Dealer warns him one more time about the side effects, no money is exchanged (?), and Roman is on his way.

Well, Roman & Elizabeth put this shit in Victor's Pad Thai, he keels over & they think he's a goner...but we get to see the movie from his point of view here and there until he wakes up...very reminiscent of Serpent and the Rainbow. The medical examiner is there soon & wants to "do a full autopsy, of course". Roman puts the kibosh on that one, telling the M.E. about Victor's will, even going so far as to put an injunction on the autopsy. Pretty iron clad, one would think. But at the funeral home, (the buxom blonde with the broken leg shows up & spits on Victor in his coffin) here comes the M.E. with a court order that supercedes Roman's injunction, and he and his assistants proceed to close the casket and take it to the morgue! It's the movie's most priceless moment.

Back at the morgue, Victor's toe tag gets switched with a dead homeless guy so the M.E.'s assistant & his medical school classmates can practice surgery on a "pristine" corpse. But remember, Victor's still alive, so after they slice open his abdomen, evicerate him and are about to crack open his chest, he wakes up, gets three fingers sawed off & completely freaks out the students. They quickly give him a shot of thorazine or something to knock him out, shove his guts back inside his body, and decide the better decision is to bag him and bury him alive. As they're throwing him in the grave, he cuts his way out of the body bag, kills all three of them, cauterizes his fingers with a car cigarette lighter (after lighting up a smoke, of course), and sets out to seek his revenge...and gets it.

Highlights: there's a lot of tongue-in-cheek humor that makes the film somewhat worth watching; some pretty decent gore; the drug dealer is actually a pretty good actor...he plays the part well; and Greg Bryk plays a great asshole...he makes you hate him about ten minutes into the movie...that takes skill.

Lowlights: what the hell happened to Kristy Swanson? She looks like shit in this movie, and it's her worst acting since Buffy. I'm a little perplexed at the torture devices...can you really have a working rack in your home? The acting never really gells, almost like instead of working toward a common goal, everybody's trying to win the Oscar single-handedly...very sloppy.

The ending is predictable...but not. Victor kills the buxom blonde, calls his house from her apartment and discovers that Roman & Elizabeth are making grass sandwiches behind his back. He makes it back to his house, ties Elizabeth up, and when Roman comes to her aid, Roman ends up on the rack himself. Victor obviously has nothing to lose at this point, he's supposed to be dead, remember, so he rips Roman's arm off with the rack, and is about to turn his attention on Elizabeth when she elbows him in the gut, therefore splitting his wound open and spilling his intestines all down his front. She grabs a HUGE battleaxe from the wall & splits Victor's wig with it.

You think it's over, but the last scene is Elizabeth getting out of her car--pregnant--with a bunch of shopping bags and going into her (um...Victor's) house. End credits.

Here's my problem with this movie: After Victor changes his will and ends up dead(ish) like--the next day, and his attorney and his widow shack up together...how come nobody's investigating them? In the real world, the feds would be all over these two morons, especially since they're so damn sloppy about the whole thing.

Regardless of that, my advice is to go ahead and see this one. The subliminal humor & the plot actually make for a semi-entertaining film. No nudity, but enough gore to make up for it.

Enjoy & thanks for reading.

Check out the trailer: Living Death

Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire (2005)

Directors: Sarah Nean Bruce, Eduardo Durao (directorial debut for both)
Writers: Karrie Melendrez (writing debut), Sherri Strain (sophomore writing effort)
Starring: Rhett Giles (lots of T.V.); Paul Logan (Syfy original Mega Piranha & he was in a movie called Aliens on Crack...I'm DYING to see it); Denise Boutte (ironically in a film entitled 15 Minutes of Fame...wonder when hers will run out)

I knew as soon as I reviewed a vampire movie, even one as horrible as Vampire Diary, I knew I was going to be attacked. The wannabe vampire counterculture is a protective one, and will no doubt continue to rail against my reviews of their beloved movies. Which brings us to my next review, Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire.

Way of the Vampire is living proof that not all books or ideas should be made into movies...especially vampire stories. I'm sorry to keep picking on this particular genre, but it's been my experience that literary vampires usually do not translate well (don't make me cite Tom Cruise as Lestat again, please), with very few exceptions, i.e. Gary Oldman as Dracula. This movie's only redeeming quality was the clever consumption of holy water in order to make one's spit acidic to the undead creatures. But THAT'S IT.

The film opens with Van Helsing & his band of vampire slayers getting ready to go do battle with Dracula & his minions. Mrs. Van Helsing is intentionally left with the one person who is "enamored by her beauty" simply because he's the most skilled vampire slayer of them all. What a powerful dichotomy. To make matters worse, as Van Helsing and his crew are searching Dracula's "lair", we are treated to visions of electrical outlets and drywall clad walls (apparently they used one of the movie crew's home to shoot that scene), and one of the girl vampires has chemically straightened hair...mind you, this scene is set in the late 19th century.

Switch to present day Los Angeles, where Van Helsing is working in a phlebotomy lab, keeping a keen eye on modern-day vampires, who coincidentally now reside in the P.J.s. Dracula's blood line is still alive in Sebastian (Andreas Beckett), who was the vampire that destroyed Mrs. Van Helsing many moons ago. Sebastian is dying of thirst, when he's convinced by his right-hand vamp, Arianna (Denise Boutte) to begin the hunt anew...humans are food, she reminds him & the battle rages once again; Van Helsing recruits members of the Knights Templar (yes...the Knights Templar) as new vampire slayers & after one full afternoon of training, they're ready to kill them some vampires! I think it's important to note that after dining on his first new victim, Sebastian literally beats on his chest like a gorilla...and it just gets better from there.

Highlights: the writers stay loyal to Stoker's vampire rules; the soundtrack isn't bad...very dramatic & gothic; & the use of holy water in this film is actually quite clever.

Lowlights: It's no surprise this is a directorial debut for both directors...there's very little direction at all...in fact, the actors don't seem to know they're in a movie...there's a definite stage quality to their performances (the stabbing is the worst...very theatrical); the prosthetic fangs the vampires wear must be those toy fangs we used to get for Halloween, because they make the actors sound ridiculous; the lighting and the sound are borderline childish; and there's a ton of scene recycling.

This movie makes all the other movies I've reviewed look like Oscar contenders. I will give the filmmakers credit for squeezing 82 minutes of excrement out of a short story written in the late 19th century. Pathetically cheap acting, photography, lighting & sound make this one a definite "no" on the watch list...don't waste your time.

I would love to include a trailer for you to watch, but unfortunately it contains nudity, and I'm not yet sure about the rules governing this particular carrier in that arena. It's available at youtube.com, you just have to create an account.

Thanks for reading...my next post will be a murder-mystery review starring Kristy Swanson...be ready...it's a baaaaad movie.

The Importance of Film & Television

Some people may think that having a blog about watching movies on T.V. is a colossal waste of time, in fact, people I know personally think watching T.V. at all is a mindless, frivolous way to piss away one's life. To them, television has no value or redeeming qualities whatsoever (amazingly enough, lots of people who think this way have children who watch at least five hours of T.V. per day...ironic, don't you think?)

It is my personal opinion that sending and receiving flowers is probably one of the worst ways anyone can spend money. I'm not talking about growing flowers in your backyard, just the buying of cut flowers as the means to a gift. But that's just me. A vast majority of our country find it so gratifying that it's a multi-million dollar industry. Because of that particular definition, it cannot be wrong; if it brings happiness, jobs and prosperity to people, it absolutely has value...just like movies & television.

Think about it, television has the capacity to educate, to motivate & to raise awareness. Speaking personally, I learned how to read from a little green Muppet named Kermit when I was about 3 or 4. And think about the awareness that was raised by FarmAid, LiveAid and Comic Relief, just to name a few. In my opinion, it's not the amount of T.V. one watches that "rots your brain"...it's the quality (or lack thereof) of programming we digest. I personally watch pretty much only movies, documentaries and educational programming...I admit, I have a few guilty pleasures, like cartoons and one reality show...but since T.V. is also meant to entertain, I'll buy the ticket & take the ride.

Movies, in my humble opinion, are a valuable, accurate audio/visual account of our history...a sort of living encyclopedia, if you will. Without movies as an historical vehicle, we wouldn't still be talking about Dracula a couple thousand years after his death. Film immortalizes our heroes & villains for us & allows us to root for or against them at will.

Film also allows us a glimpse into the vernacular climate of the period in which the film was made. I'll give an example: I recently watched The Fly (1958) with Vincent Price. Now, 1958 was a pretty amazing time, technologically speaking, as voiced by Patricia Owens' character, Helene: "first television & satellites out in space...supersonic speed and now this (speaking about her husband's molecular transporter), I just don't know if I'm ready for it all to happen." Very much the climate of the times. Fast forward to the tumultuous late '60s; Night of the Living Dead, by George Romero's admission, was a highly political film with a bunch of zombies in it (it had a black hero at a time in our history when black people were demonized)...Romero was trying to prove that no matter what the color of our skin, an individual can rise above all the rest, even in the fight against zombies. Even cartoon movies aren't safe from social commentary...ever seen Wall-E? Talk about a strong message hidden in a super-cute animated feature.

If not for movies and television, I may not be inspired to read in the manner that I do. After watching The Aviator with Leonardo DiCaprio, I read everything about Howard Hughes I could get my hands on; after watching a documentary entitled How Bruce Lee Changed the World, I read the Tao of Jeet Kune Do, which changed my life; thanks to what I learned from Cesar Milan's show The Dog Whisperer, my dog is amazing.

My point is this: regardless of opinion, movies and television not only entertain, they're a modern art form that's more powerful than any that preceded. The Mona Lisa is an amazing painting, and the skill that went into it is apparent, but the computer generated animation in Beowulf with Ray Winstone & Anthony Hopkins is mind-boggling, and it brought a classic literary tale to life for a new generation; Morgan Sperlock's documentary Supersize Me brought awareness of the dangers of over consumption to a shocking new light...whereas, while beautiful, the Mona Lisa simply hangs on a wall in Paris, viewed by those fortunate to either live there or visit...roses sent to a loved one wither and die with time.

I'm not trying to convert anyone here. I'm also not trying to get you to let your kids watch T.V. instead of going out to play. All I'm saying is this: the next time your friend talks to you about the cool show or movie he just saw on television, indulge him or her instead of being condescending or dismissive. In fact, try to remember the last time you brought up something you were passionate about...remember, you have to give respect to get it.

Dagon (2001)

Director: Stuart Gordon (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Re-animator)
Writer: H.P. Lovecraft (he wrote this story in 1917; plus, he wroter Re-animator)
Screenwriter: Dennis Paoli (The Dentist, Re-animator)

Starring: Ezra Godden (The Package, lots of T.V.); Francisco Rabal (LOTS of foreign films...this one was dedicated to him, evidently he died either during or shortly after); Raquel Merono (nothing but foreign films)

IMDB user rating: 6.2 out of 10 stars

When you see a movie description that states: "A businessman & his girlfriend arrive in a village inhabited by fish like creatures which practice human sacrifice", you almost have to watch it. The concept is original, and has a ton of potential: two couples on a sailboat holiday off the coast of a Spanish village that's cursed by a fish god named Dagon. Never mind the fact that it's adapted from a short story written by H.P. Lovecraft in 1917, it could've worked as one hell of a sci-fi/horror flick.

That is, until the bad acting, the bad dialogue and the horrible visual effects got in the way.

The cheap trick of using the unknown, unseen evil is taken to a whole new level in Dagon...three frames in the end is really all we get to see of the monster, which looks to be some sort of octopus-type of a thing...hard to tell. The legend of the monster is explained to the main character, Paul (Ezra Godden) by the only human who seems to have escaped the fish-people's grasp: some drunken homeless guy who speaks broken English...therefore it's almost impossible to understand what the hell he's talking about. It's a sketchy tale; something about the village relying on God to bring them more fish, when a mysterious stranger comes to town & gets them to worship Dagon, and prosperity ensues. The catch: regular human sacrifice.

There are tons of low points to this film. The reason for the village being so secluded is never explained (it's not on an island, so...how come nobody knows about this place?); the acting is bad enough to make you punch your cat in the mouth; the visual effects are sloppy; the church has the words "Esoterica Orde de Dagon" over the door...which has NO literal translation, in fact, the word "orde" doesn't even exist, according to online Spanish dictionaries; and Paul has a moment in the local hotel that makes us all understand why Europeans hate Americans so much: he says things like "roomo, pleaso" and "muchas dias". Thank you, Dennis Paoli, for reinforcing the stereotype. We also see the two female characters, Barbara & Vicki, apparently die horrible deaths; Vicki should have died in the opening scene boat wreck (she was trapped between the boat itself and a rock), and Barbara was attacked by the fish-priest & the fish-hotel concierge. Evidently, they are kept for mating reasons...but it's never really explained. Oh, yeah...and there are a few cheap boo moments...and we all know how much I love those.

The villagers look more like zombies than killer fish-creatures, in that they're kinda slow. But just like in zombie movies, somehow the humans just can't seem to outrun them at all. Paul is typical of how foreigners see Americans: cocky yet clumsy; he even looks a bit like Clark Kent...but he never turns into Superman.

Paul also keeps dreaming about this mermaid type girl, who turns out to be real, and real gross...and she has been invading his dreams to bring him to her, so they can be together. The twist on that one is that they're brother and sister (Paul was born in Spain, and could never figure out why his mother wouldn't let him learn Spanish).

The end is pretty gory. Everybody's gathered around this pit where Dagon apparently dwells. The fish people are about to sacrifice Barbara; mermaid girl confesses her relation to Paul and her desire for them to be together (ick); and Paul sets himself on fire after Dagon takes Barbara into the deep.

Like I said, this could have been a really good film, and in reality, it was entertaining to watch. But if the budget had been a little bigger, or the actors picked a little more carefully, it would've been stellar. Once again a great concept is ruined by bad acting and screen writing.

Oh well...happy watching!

Watch the trailer: Dagon

Mongolian Death Worm (2010)

Director: Steven R. Monroe (Ogre, the upcoming remake of I Spit on Your Grave)
Writers: Steven R. Monroe & Neil Elman (Caved In, Troglodyte)

Starring: Sean Patrick Flannery (Suicide Kings, Boondock Saints, Powder); George Cheung (he plays the Asian guy you recognize in lots of movies); Victoria Pratt (nothing of importance) & Andrew Stevens (he's not listed in the cast at IMDB.com, he doesn't have a speaking role, but he produced the movie & he was in 10 to Midnight with Charlie Bronson and on a lot of cheesy television...when you see him you say "Hey! That's Andrew Stevens!)

I'm not sure what kind of killer weed the writing staff over at the Syfy channel are smoking, but it's definitely potent. Think about Syfy original movies I've already reviewed: Ogre, Dinoshark; not to mention the titles I haven't: like Dinocroc & Mega-Piranha. Really? I hope to Christ they're smoking drugs at Syfy, because if they're not, these movie plots are just sad. The dialogue is ridiculously vague & all over the place, the CG looks like my dog made it & the attention to detail is virtually non-existent...these movies are where decent, credible careers go to die.

The title for this one says it all, which is a good thing, because the acting, the plot, the visual effects and the camera work collectively don't make a peep. Two very noticeable things about this movie: It's so bad, Yahoo.com saw fit to give it a headline; and it's either so new or so shitty that it doesn't have a movie poster or a trailer. It's set in Outer Mongolia, but it looks more like Texas; all the cars are left hand drive, the "Mongolian" sheriff drives a Ford and wears a cowboy hat and doesn't have a hint of an accent (in fact, NOBODY has an accent); the shooting schedule is confusing, the time line's all over the place & Sean Patrick Flannery has had WAY too much botox.

Here's the premise: A treasure seeker is looking for Genghis Khan's tomb, and therefore his treasure. Some locals are after him, because they know what he's found so far, and want it for themselves. He meets (and promptly extorts money from) an attractive female doctor...she balks at his extortion, claiming that the organization she works for--Doctors of Hope--is a not for profit organization, so why should they have to pay for a ride...it's a typical holier-than-thou attitude, as if NFPOs don't have to pay for travel arrangements...

...but I digress. Khan's tomb is guarded by these giant killer worms, and since the manager of this remote oil refinery (which is conveniently located RIGHT ABOVE the tomb) has discovered the treasure, the worms have been awakened, and they're out for vengeance.

The best part about this movie is its title. In fact, my girlfriend (who HATES this new hobby of mine) saw the article on yahoo.com and texted me to tell me about it, AND hit the record button on the DVR for me. I mean, how do you NOT watch a movie called Mongolian Death Worm? Starring Sean Patrick Flannery, no less! Easy. Follow my advice and DON'T WATCH MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM!!

Highlights: ummm...parts of it are so bad, it's funny.

Lowlights: Sean Patrick Flannery forgot how to act...I'm assuming the botox is pushing on the part of his brain that knows how to deliver lines. There isn't one Mongolian person in the movie...everybody's either Chinese, Korean or Tibetan. There's this old lady who keeps talking about the death worm (kind of like the old man in the remake of Godzilla...you know, the one who kept saying "Gozirrah" over and over?)...the problem with that is that the doctor who's taking care of her asks the interpreter what she's saying, and when the answer is "death worm", the doctor gets really pissed and says, "I don't wanna hear about any death worm...I thought you were talking about something real". But doc, couldn't the death worm be a parasite of some sorts? Perhaps that's what's killing all the villagers. Unbelievable. The manager of the oil refinery is crazy pissed all the time, and we don't find out why until almost the end (Syfy, you're soo good at anticipation!). There's another doctor character named Phillip...he's a huge pussy. Seriously, you wanna slap the shit out of him 20 minutes in. At the ramshackle, makeshift clinic where the doctors are treating sick villagers, the set designers decided it would look more authentic if they duct-taped a circulatory system poster to the wall.

I just can't go on. It's as if the writers of this piece of shit smoked a lot of weed, watched Tremors, Alien, Indiana Jones & Godzilla & said, "Hey...let's write a movie...we've got three hours to kill." It hurt to watch this movie...and yet, I can't get enough of Syfy originals.

Perhaps the most insulting of all was the ending, when SPF, the hot doctor lady and the sheriff blow up the oil refinery (the sheriff gets eaten by a worm while SPF and Dr. Hottie look on even though Sean has a pistol)...and as Sean & the Doc sit on the lawn outside the refinery and laugh for some strange reason (there's a lot of inappropriate laughter throughout), it begins to rain treasure. Yes, you read that correctly...it BEGINS TO RAIN TREASURE!! And miraculously, all the villagers are cured by the drugs that Dr. Hottie and Phillip the pussy brought to the clinic.

That's all I've got...I really wish there was a trailer to show you, but since there isn't...go ahead an watch this one...it'll hurt, but you'll laugh, and you'll have something to talk about next time you and your friends get high.

Thanks for reading...until next time.

I've Got a Bone to Pick: Movie DJs

So, as I'm watching all these shitty movies for all of you, & reviewing them on my blog, I'm starting to realize more and more that certain stereotypical aspects of movies really piss me off. And since I'm infamous for my tendency to go off on rants, I've decided to combine the two and add a feature called "I've Got a Bone to Pick".

I'm starting, not surprisingly, with movie DJs. You've seen them in movies like Sixteen Candles, Grosse Point Blank & She's All That (which is a ploy by Hollywood to get the younger generation to appreciate literature). Now, when I refer to movie DJs, I'm not talking about on-air personalities...for some odd reason, they have some protective halo around them & they're always portrayed as cool characters who are above everybody else (which isn't a far cry from how they perceive themselves in real life). No, I'm talking about wedding/party jox. Ninety percent of the time, they're portrayed as either over-smooth know-it-all assholes (like Usher in She's all that), or over the top cartoon characters (next time you watch Sixteen Candles, pay attention to the DJ in the background at the dance at the gym...you'll see what I'm talking about).

And just like radio jox, bands get the same courtesy, typically. How come event DJs have to be the court jester of the movie world?

There are a few exceptions: John Cuzak in High Fidelity & Wilmer Valderrama in Party Monster are two examples that immediately come to mind. Two great movies, by the way...see them when you can.

Is this how event DJs are seen in the eyes of the American people? It's embarrassing! They dress like assholes, do a lot of jerky dance moves, and talk like absolute morons on the mic. Wake up, Hollywood...event DJs move America's asses off their seats, stop making them look like retards.

Well, there's my two cents on that. Feel free to leave comments; let me know if you like the new segment...should it stay or go? Do you have movie bones to pick? Tell me about them.

Thanks for reading,

BM411G.

Side Out (1990)

Director: Peter Israelson
Writer: David Thoreau

Starring: C. Thomas Howell (The Outsiders, The Hitcher, E.T.); Peter Horton (Singles, Children of the Corn, thirtysomething); Courtney Thorne-Smith (According to Jim, Summer School, Melrose Place); Harley Jane Kozack (Parenthood--the movie, Arachnophobia); Terry Kiser (Weekend at Bernie's)

IMDB User Rating: 4.7 out of 10 stars.

Favorite lines: "You can stay here...you won't even have to pay rent."
"YOU don't pay rent."
"Details."

Favorite Scene: All the montages...most cheesy movies have one...this one has four.

Okay...so I'm still on a break from zombies & shit, and when this movie popped up on my cable listings, I had to watch it. I've seen bits and pieces of it, but last night was the first time I've actually sat through the whole thing. All I kept thinking throughout the entire film was, "What the hell happened to C. Thomas Howell?" It's as if he peaked in The Outsiders, and his career took a nosedive in a barrel of shit from that point forward.

The premise is a predictable snooze fest: kid from the Midwest comes to Southern California to work for his uncle's law firm to make money for his tuition to law school; meets a crazy kid who wants to play volleyball; falls in love; does the right thing; lives happily ever after.

If you take this movie for what it is--an early 90s hormone injected feel-good movie made for teens--you win. It's a veritable barrage of name day-glo brand clothing & alcohol, i.e.: Mossimo, Bolle, Spot Sport, Lite Beer & Jose Cuervo. In that vein, the movie is actually quite relevant. I was stationed in Southern California in the late '80s, and other than Vuarnet's odd absence, they're spot on with the clothing and the lifestyle.

High points: If you're into skin, this is the movie for you...damn near everybody wears nothing but beach wear throughout. Peter Horton's charm once again supersedes his inability to act...although, he's the same guy in everything, and it's always been said the hardest thing to do in acting is to be yourself, so maybe Horton's a genius and we just don't know it yet. The kid who plays Wiley (Chris Rydell) is actually pretty entertaining. And like a lot of movies where they use a professional sport as the centerpiece, there are a few real-life pro beach volleyball players in it...and they're inability to act is VERY entertaining.

Low points: If you're into nudity, you'll be disappointed. The only nude scene is Harley Jane Kozak...and she's gross. Plus, even though everybody's in bikinis, you have to realize they're late '80s, early '90s bikinis...lots of those tube-top kind of bikini tops which just made boobs look...weird. There's WAY too much testosterone-driven rage on the courts, and the predictable twist at the end is almost insulting.

I'll explain: Peter Horton is a washed-up pro volleyball player, and even though he's "the legend" of the sport, he's considered a local joke...never paying his rent, squeaking by on life, etc. Tommy Howell is the kid who has to serve Horton his eviction notice, somehow turns out being coached by him & ultimately playing in the big tournament with him. Come to find out, he's a gambler who bet against himself at the last big tournament, and he was gonna lose in order to collect his winnings and pay his mob-based bookies. But he couldn't do it. So now, Howell is concerned if he's gonna even show. He does, and they make it to the finals, only to have Harley Jane Kozak beg Horton to throw this one as well because she's got a lot riding on the incumbent champions. And throw it he does...until Howell somehow convinces him to be a winner...things turn around, lots of sand is thrown, there's a high-five at the end, and we're left to make our own conclusions about whether Tommy Howell stays in Cali with the girl and enrolls in UCLA, or goes home to mom & dad in Wisconsin.

I think he stays...I would, Courtney Thorne-Smith used to be really hot.

Overall, the movie is worth watching, so long as there's not a whole lot else on. The camera work during the volleyball matches is pretty good, the scenery is nice, and even though the dialogue is HORRIBLE, the cast shares a relatively decent dynamic. So happy watching, and here's hoping that Terry Kiser doesn't make a Weekend at Bernie's III.

Click on the photo to watch the trailer.

Road House 2: Last Call (2006)

Director: Scott Ziehl
Writer: Miles Chapman
Starring: Johnathan Schaech (Prom Night, Doom Generation, That Thing You Do!); Jake Busey (Tomcats, Starship Troopers); Ellen Hollman (lots of T.V.); Will Patton (Armageddon, The Punisher)

IMDB User Rating: 4.4 out of 10 stars.

Favorite Line: "Hey, you're Dalton's kid...I heard all about you. I thought you'd be bigger."

Favorite scene: Jake Busey's character dies when he falls on a wooden pelican statue...poetic justice, given the plot.

Sometimes you have to break from the norm, especially when zombies, werewolves and vampires are all starting to cross over and blend together. And when you see a straight to DVD sequel like Roadhouse 2: Last Call come across your cable listing...you gotta watch it. Well, you don't--but I did. Given the fact that I had just come down off a pretty decent experience with a Johnathan Schaech character (Prom Night), and Jake Busey-like his dad-never fails to make me laugh, I couldn't pass this one up. The fact that it was a sequel to one of the shittiest (but fun to watch) movies of all time, it was doomed from the start. The dice were rolled...and I crapped out.

Roadhouse 2 is every bit as good as Starship Troopers 3. It opens very much like Roadhouse does, in a rowdy roadhouse called the Black Pelican, with the same redneck assholes causing the same redneck trouble. But in this one, the owner (Will Patton) is a bad-ass named Nate Tanner (Dalton's brother) who cleans out the riff-raff quite nicely by himself. But local drug lord Wild Bill (Jake Busey) needs the Pelican for its prime location (that's the only reason given...the whole movie is very vague), and will do anything to get it--including fighting dirty with Nate (some Asian chick throws a couple of knives at Nate, putting him in the hospital).

Johnathan Schaech is an undercover DEA agent who goes into a strip club and pulls the WORST drug deal EVER! He gets a call about his Uncle Nate (turns out he's Dalton's kid, he left Louisiana after Dalton was murdered) being in the hospital, and immediately goes AWOL from the DEA to run the Pelican...but wait! The twist is that there's the underlying issue of "the big one" that he owes his Captain, and going down to Louisiana just might be it..."You gotta trust me on this one".

And that's the plot. Simple as that--except I forgot about the Miami drug kingpin that Busey works for who gets pissed off and comes to Louisiana: "You live in a swamp, you know that?" he says to Busey...umm...what do you call Florida? The highlands? And then there's the girl that Schaech falls for, who just so happens to be Busey's cousin.

There are really no high points...the fight scenes would be pretty good if they weren't so horribly overdone and cartoonish. There are a couple of hot girls, and like one nude scene, and swamp boats, of which I'm a fan.

The throwbacks to the first one are a-plenty: Schaech not only drives a Mercedes-Benz just like his daddy, he uses it just like Swayze did in the first one: as an unmanned battering ram. Busey drives like an asshole in his first encounter with Schaech (just like Ben Gazarra). The bouncer rules are the same: "Take it outside, and be nice...until it's time to not be nice". And even though Johnathan Schaech is taller than most people around him, they all say that corny "I thought you'd be bigger" line.

The low points: The bar's relevance--other than location--to drug trafficking is never really explained. Schaech calls a DEA friend of his, and a whole crew of agents come down to Louisiana from New York to try to bust Busey, but he gets away on his swamp boat, and they pretty much shrug and split. Really? You're gonna give it just one day? The main female character, Beau (Ellen Hollman) confesses to being in the Army, ("two tours in Iraq") when it's apparent she knows her way around weapons, although the stuff she knows she definitely didn't learn in the Army. Perhaps most insulting of all is how many times Uncle Nate basically gets killed but doesn't die...he suffers no less than TWO fatal wounds, and is up and running around behind the bar by the end scene of the flick.

The ending is weak: Busey and Schaech fight in the bar, which is horribly lit, and that detracts from the fight itself (maybe they had to light it that way because Busey can't fight, and he got really fat. Simultaneously, there's a chick fight between Beau and the knife-throwing Asian chick (who keeps opening her butterfly knife for some reason). But where most chick fights are pretty good...this one sucks...it's no Two Days in the Valley, that's for sure.

I'm gonna go back to the zombies, werewolves, vampires and serial killer movies. At least for now. It did feel good to broaden my horizons a little, though. I still don't recommend you waste your time on this flick.

Have a laugh: check out the trailer: Roadhouse 2: Last Call