Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire (2005)

Directors: Sarah Nean Bruce, Eduardo Durao (directorial debut for both)
Writers: Karrie Melendrez (writing debut), Sherri Strain (sophomore writing effort)
Starring: Rhett Giles (lots of T.V.); Paul Logan (Syfy original Mega Piranha & he was in a movie called Aliens on Crack...I'm DYING to see it); Denise Boutte (ironically in a film entitled 15 Minutes of Fame...wonder when hers will run out)

I knew as soon as I reviewed a vampire movie, even one as horrible as Vampire Diary, I knew I was going to be attacked. The wannabe vampire counterculture is a protective one, and will no doubt continue to rail against my reviews of their beloved movies. Which brings us to my next review, Bram Stoker's Way of the Vampire.

Way of the Vampire is living proof that not all books or ideas should be made into movies...especially vampire stories. I'm sorry to keep picking on this particular genre, but it's been my experience that literary vampires usually do not translate well (don't make me cite Tom Cruise as Lestat again, please), with very few exceptions, i.e. Gary Oldman as Dracula. This movie's only redeeming quality was the clever consumption of holy water in order to make one's spit acidic to the undead creatures. But THAT'S IT.

The film opens with Van Helsing & his band of vampire slayers getting ready to go do battle with Dracula & his minions. Mrs. Van Helsing is intentionally left with the one person who is "enamored by her beauty" simply because he's the most skilled vampire slayer of them all. What a powerful dichotomy. To make matters worse, as Van Helsing and his crew are searching Dracula's "lair", we are treated to visions of electrical outlets and drywall clad walls (apparently they used one of the movie crew's home to shoot that scene), and one of the girl vampires has chemically straightened hair...mind you, this scene is set in the late 19th century.

Switch to present day Los Angeles, where Van Helsing is working in a phlebotomy lab, keeping a keen eye on modern-day vampires, who coincidentally now reside in the P.J.s. Dracula's blood line is still alive in Sebastian (Andreas Beckett), who was the vampire that destroyed Mrs. Van Helsing many moons ago. Sebastian is dying of thirst, when he's convinced by his right-hand vamp, Arianna (Denise Boutte) to begin the hunt anew...humans are food, she reminds him & the battle rages once again; Van Helsing recruits members of the Knights Templar (yes...the Knights Templar) as new vampire slayers & after one full afternoon of training, they're ready to kill them some vampires! I think it's important to note that after dining on his first new victim, Sebastian literally beats on his chest like a gorilla...and it just gets better from there.

Highlights: the writers stay loyal to Stoker's vampire rules; the soundtrack isn't bad...very dramatic & gothic; & the use of holy water in this film is actually quite clever.

Lowlights: It's no surprise this is a directorial debut for both directors...there's very little direction at all...in fact, the actors don't seem to know they're in a movie...there's a definite stage quality to their performances (the stabbing is the worst...very theatrical); the prosthetic fangs the vampires wear must be those toy fangs we used to get for Halloween, because they make the actors sound ridiculous; the lighting and the sound are borderline childish; and there's a ton of scene recycling.

This movie makes all the other movies I've reviewed look like Oscar contenders. I will give the filmmakers credit for squeezing 82 minutes of excrement out of a short story written in the late 19th century. Pathetically cheap acting, photography, lighting & sound make this one a definite "no" on the watch list...don't waste your time.

I would love to include a trailer for you to watch, but unfortunately it contains nudity, and I'm not yet sure about the rules governing this particular carrier in that arena. It's available at youtube.com, you just have to create an account.

Thanks for reading...my next post will be a murder-mystery review starring Kristy Swanson...be ready...it's a baaaaad movie.