Mongolian Death Worm (2010)

Director: Steven R. Monroe (Ogre, the upcoming remake of I Spit on Your Grave)
Writers: Steven R. Monroe & Neil Elman (Caved In, Troglodyte)

Starring: Sean Patrick Flannery (Suicide Kings, Boondock Saints, Powder); George Cheung (he plays the Asian guy you recognize in lots of movies); Victoria Pratt (nothing of importance) & Andrew Stevens (he's not listed in the cast at IMDB.com, he doesn't have a speaking role, but he produced the movie & he was in 10 to Midnight with Charlie Bronson and on a lot of cheesy television...when you see him you say "Hey! That's Andrew Stevens!)

I'm not sure what kind of killer weed the writing staff over at the Syfy channel are smoking, but it's definitely potent. Think about Syfy original movies I've already reviewed: Ogre, Dinoshark; not to mention the titles I haven't: like Dinocroc & Mega-Piranha. Really? I hope to Christ they're smoking drugs at Syfy, because if they're not, these movie plots are just sad. The dialogue is ridiculously vague & all over the place, the CG looks like my dog made it & the attention to detail is virtually non-existent...these movies are where decent, credible careers go to die.

The title for this one says it all, which is a good thing, because the acting, the plot, the visual effects and the camera work collectively don't make a peep. Two very noticeable things about this movie: It's so bad, Yahoo.com saw fit to give it a headline; and it's either so new or so shitty that it doesn't have a movie poster or a trailer. It's set in Outer Mongolia, but it looks more like Texas; all the cars are left hand drive, the "Mongolian" sheriff drives a Ford and wears a cowboy hat and doesn't have a hint of an accent (in fact, NOBODY has an accent); the shooting schedule is confusing, the time line's all over the place & Sean Patrick Flannery has had WAY too much botox.

Here's the premise: A treasure seeker is looking for Genghis Khan's tomb, and therefore his treasure. Some locals are after him, because they know what he's found so far, and want it for themselves. He meets (and promptly extorts money from) an attractive female doctor...she balks at his extortion, claiming that the organization she works for--Doctors of Hope--is a not for profit organization, so why should they have to pay for a ride...it's a typical holier-than-thou attitude, as if NFPOs don't have to pay for travel arrangements...

...but I digress. Khan's tomb is guarded by these giant killer worms, and since the manager of this remote oil refinery (which is conveniently located RIGHT ABOVE the tomb) has discovered the treasure, the worms have been awakened, and they're out for vengeance.

The best part about this movie is its title. In fact, my girlfriend (who HATES this new hobby of mine) saw the article on yahoo.com and texted me to tell me about it, AND hit the record button on the DVR for me. I mean, how do you NOT watch a movie called Mongolian Death Worm? Starring Sean Patrick Flannery, no less! Easy. Follow my advice and DON'T WATCH MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM!!

Highlights: ummm...parts of it are so bad, it's funny.

Lowlights: Sean Patrick Flannery forgot how to act...I'm assuming the botox is pushing on the part of his brain that knows how to deliver lines. There isn't one Mongolian person in the movie...everybody's either Chinese, Korean or Tibetan. There's this old lady who keeps talking about the death worm (kind of like the old man in the remake of Godzilla...you know, the one who kept saying "Gozirrah" over and over?)...the problem with that is that the doctor who's taking care of her asks the interpreter what she's saying, and when the answer is "death worm", the doctor gets really pissed and says, "I don't wanna hear about any death worm...I thought you were talking about something real". But doc, couldn't the death worm be a parasite of some sorts? Perhaps that's what's killing all the villagers. Unbelievable. The manager of the oil refinery is crazy pissed all the time, and we don't find out why until almost the end (Syfy, you're soo good at anticipation!). There's another doctor character named Phillip...he's a huge pussy. Seriously, you wanna slap the shit out of him 20 minutes in. At the ramshackle, makeshift clinic where the doctors are treating sick villagers, the set designers decided it would look more authentic if they duct-taped a circulatory system poster to the wall.

I just can't go on. It's as if the writers of this piece of shit smoked a lot of weed, watched Tremors, Alien, Indiana Jones & Godzilla & said, "Hey...let's write a movie...we've got three hours to kill." It hurt to watch this movie...and yet, I can't get enough of Syfy originals.

Perhaps the most insulting of all was the ending, when SPF, the hot doctor lady and the sheriff blow up the oil refinery (the sheriff gets eaten by a worm while SPF and Dr. Hottie look on even though Sean has a pistol)...and as Sean & the Doc sit on the lawn outside the refinery and laugh for some strange reason (there's a lot of inappropriate laughter throughout), it begins to rain treasure. Yes, you read that correctly...it BEGINS TO RAIN TREASURE!! And miraculously, all the villagers are cured by the drugs that Dr. Hottie and Phillip the pussy brought to the clinic.

That's all I've got...I really wish there was a trailer to show you, but since there isn't...go ahead an watch this one...it'll hurt, but you'll laugh, and you'll have something to talk about next time you and your friends get high.

Thanks for reading...until next time.