Frogs (1972)

Director: George McCowan (Fantasy Island (T.V.), Charlie's Angels (T.V.))
Writer: Robert Hutchison (Outside In and Frogs...that's his entire resume)

Starring: Sam Elliot (Roadhouse, Tombstone); Ray Milland (Dial M for Murder, Rich Man, Poor Man); Joan Van Ark (Dallas, Knots Landing)

What can be less menacing than a frog? When was the last time you looked at a frog with anything but optimism? Have you ever seen a frog hopping toward you and thought, "Oh, shit! Here comes a frog--run!" Apparently frogs were scary back in 1972. Actually, the frogs never really do anything aggressive at all, even though Sam Elliott says, "Frogs attacking windows, snakes hanging from chandeliers...what's next?" The frogs weren't attacking the windows, they were pretty much just leaning against them. In fact, the frogs are more like the pigs in Animal Farm than anything...they sit around looking bored while all the other reptiles (and some spiders) attack the people (and before you jump in my shit, yes I know frogs are amphibians). Seriously, has anyone in history ever been scared by a frog? Maybe Ramses back when Moses brought the hordes upon Egypt...but since then...not so much.

The premise is pretty cut & dry: Sam Elliott's a free-lance photographer who's floating around some island in the Everglades (I'm assuming...it's never really revealed where exactly they are) taking photos of the wildlife and the pollution. His canoe gets swamped by rich boy Clint Crockett (Adam Roarke). He & his sister (Joan Van Ark) tow him to their rich grandfather Jason Crockett's (Ray Milland) house on the island, where they offer him clothes, food & drink. At lunch, the frog population is discussed with much concern (again, the frogs never kill anybody), and Jason asks Pickett (Sam Elliott) to check things out, since he's not only a photographer, he's somewhat of an environmentalist as well. A whole lot of nothin' happens for quite some time, then the killings begin. I will list them individually, because they're all so ridiculous, they deserve their own description.

Pickett finds Grover, the groundskeeper, dead in the swamp...but remember, this is 1972, so dead folks are played by live actors, so even though Grover's dead, you can see him breathing. Next to die is one of the grandsons...Ken, I think. He's sent out to look for Grover (before Sam Elliott finds him). This moron trips & shoots himself in the shin with the rifle he's carrying. As he's lying on the ground, bleeding and generally being a pussy, a ton of tarantulas drop down from the trees, bite him and then SPIN A WEB AROUND HIM. Never you mind that tarantulas don't live in trees. Next is cousin Mike, who goes into the greenhouse to cut some orchids for the 4th of July celebration. He's followed by some geckos & a couple of monitor lizards (not indigenous to the U.S., and not observed here in the wild until the '90s). The monitor lizard climbs up on the shelves of the green house & knocks over a bunch of poisons...therefor asphyxiating Mike. Grandma is next to go...she's out chasing butterflies & completely panics when she sees a rattlesnake. Ironically, it's that same rattler that kills her. Next is all the black folk, but they don't show what kills them. Then it's Clints turn: another monitor chews his boat rope; the boat floats out into the middle of the lake; Clint swims to it & is bitten by a snake in the water. Clint's wife gets it next, she trips over a snapping turtle (I had just said out loud, "Where the hell are the turtles?") and is bitten by a snake as well. Ray Milland dies of an apparent heart attack, and the "malevolent" frogs converge upon him...to do what, I don't know. Perhaps to pee on him...that's about as malevolent as a frog can be. (I know there are poisonous frogs in the world, but the only frogs in this movie were bullfrogs & leopard frogs & such...all the benign breeds.

Here's a question: where the hell are all the mammals on this island? Really...no squirrels, racoons...nothin'. Odd.

Highlights: Joan Van Ark in 1972 looked pretty good & wore a bunch of tight fitting clothes.

Lowlights: All the non-indigenous reptiles...monitor lizards & black mambas in the Everglades in 1972? Really? And the tarantulas falling out of the trees...epic fail on that one. And the frogs...really. Frogs are like zombies, you can totally outrun them, regardless how "malevolent" the plot scenario portrays them to be. The acting is piss poor, which is surprising, considering the fact that Ray Milland won the best actor Oscar in 1945 for his role in The Lost Weekend (he was up against Bing Crosby, Gene Kelly & Gregory Peck) and Sam Elliott turned out to be quite the likeable actor as well.

The ending is boring and predictable, Sam Elliott, Joan Van Ark & her nephew & niece get away in the canoe...they come across one snake in a moronic plot twist that has Sam paddling the canoe into shallow waters. They reach the mainland & are picked up by a passing motorist & her kid, who's holding (what else?) a huge bullfrog...cue menacing music.

Really...frogs? I saw this movie when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and it kinda freaked me out...now that I'm 40 & fancy myself a movie critic, I probably would've laughed at myself at nine and called me a pussy. Frogs are anything but malevolent, unless you happen to be in the rain forest...then look out.

This movie has all the production value of a '70s porno...without the boning. It's sloppily shot & horribly acted. The characters are predictable & cartoonish. If you watch it, don't go into it with the attitude that you're watching Jaws or Psycho or something...watch it for what it is: a poorly made, pulp-fiction type cult film.

Check out the trailer: Frogs!