Gone (2007)

Director: Ringan Ledwidge (directorial debut)

Writers: James Watkins (The Descent, Part 2; Eden Lake) & Andrew Upton (Bangers)

Starring: Shaun Evans (The Virgin Queen; Being Julia); Scott Mechlowicz (EuroTrip; Mean Creek); Amelia Warner (Quills; Aeon Flux)

I literally could've eaten a box of Alpha-bits cereal and crapped out a better script than this movie had...and it had TWO writers. It had to be the most boring movie I've ever seen in my life...and I've watched the English Patient.

Generously billed as a "contemporary psychological thriller", Gone could have been 15 minutes long and still delivered the exact same impact. You'd be better off watching flies fornicate than wasting your time on this film.

Here's the premise: A young Brit is backpacking through Australia when he meets an American who ingratiates himself on every aspect of this kid's trip. They get drunk and pass out with a couple of girls (the Brit is engaged, and supposedly meeting up with his fiancee during the trip), the American (Taylor, played by Scott Mechlowicz) snaps a polaroid of the Brit (Alex, played by Shaun Evans), and has him sign it...evidently, that's his "thing"; he takes polaroids of the people he meets and has them write on them. They meet up with Alex's fiancee, Sophie (Amelia Warner) and some chick named Ingrid (Zoe Tuckwell-Smith). Taylor invites himself on the remainder of the trip (he owns a car, so I guess it's ok), but when they go to leave the next morning, he tells Alex & Sophie that Ingrid decided to go off on her own. What follows is around an hour and ten minutes of driving footage, hotel stays, and limited, boring dialogue until about the last ten minutes of the movie, when shit actually starts to happen.

Highlights: Unless you're into the beauty of coastal Australia, ZERO.

Lowlights: This movie moves slower than a snail on heroin, the music is more menacing than it needs to be, Taylor is an annoying little prick throughout...and where the FUCK is Ingrid? I mean, we know Taylor killed her...but where the hell is she?

The term "psychological thriller" is WAY over used these days, kinda like the word "Diva". Psycho was a psychological thriller, and a good one at that; The Minus Man with Owen Wilson was a psycological thriller. Gone is just a bland "what if" interpretation of somebody's boring ass road-trip: "Hey...what if we met a really annoying American serial killer while on holiday?" Please.

And to make matters worse, the ending is SOOO predictable: Taylor shows Alex the polaroid of him and the drunk girl spooning (he was supposed to have thrown it away when the trip started, Alex freaks out, hits a kangaroo, has to tell Sophie about the girl, Sophie gets pissed, won't share a room with Alex, Taylor kills Alex, has sex with Sophie, Sophie discovers Taylor killed Alex, and after a less-than-thrilling segment where Taylor almost gets her, she kills Taylor with his own car.

It's like Mad Max--but without the excitement, car chases and any semblance of an actual thrill--on an entire bottle of valium to boot. I've seen more thrilling curling matches. I would have killed for a cheap boo moment, and we all know how much I hate those. At one point, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna slap somebody."

Do yourself a favor: if you ever get the urge to see this piece of crap, put a piece of bread in the toaster oven and watch it turn brown...you'll be more entertained, and you won't waste as much time.

Check out the trailer: Gone. It almost makes the movie worth watching...don't be fooled.

Peace.