Vampire Diary (2007)

Directors: Mark James and Phil O'Shea
Writer: Phil O'Shea
Starring: Anna Walton, Morven Macbeth, Jamie King, Kate Sissons & Keith-Lee Castle. I know that lately I've been listing the cast & crew's other works...but this evidently was a Brit-Indie film with a bunch of NObodys working on it.

Favorite line: "Real vampires call it exchanging" (said to a real vampire...the look of "whatever" on her face when this is uttered to her is priceless.

Favorite scene: Chiller fucked up on this one, and showed the vampire chick's vajayjay for about three frames (Chiller's not a premium channel, boys & girls).

So I typically avoid recently made vampire movies. First, after seeing Bram Stoker's Dracula, and watching everybody but Gary Oldman and Tom Waits skunk up the screen and watching in horror as Tom Cruise was cast as 6'2" French aristocrat vampire Lestat (what a crime...what is Tom Cruise, like 4'11"?), I've all but given up hope that traditional vampire movies are ever going to deliver. You know I'm right, especially if you've ever seen Lugosi as Dracula...that man didn't even have to speak...he oozed Dracula. Second, contemporary vampire movies are overtly disrespectful. Other than the first installment of the Blade series and the vampires from the Underworld movies, vampires today get to walk around during the day, fall in love, have sex, etc. When I asked someone why the vampires in the Twilight trailer were walking around during the day, the reply was, "They can go outside on cloudy days." Really?! REALLY?! To all of you Twilight sycophants who overlook that movie's blatant disrespect of vampire movie rules I say, Google solar panels + overcast, and see for yourself how much sunlight really makes it through the clouds. Clouds diffuse sunlight, they don't block it. But this is what I'm talking about...they're making up the rules as they go along...you can't do that.

I know, I know...you're saying, "BM411G, have an open mind! It's a love story." Fuck you and your vampire love story. You might be saying, "But wasn't Dracula in love with Minna?" No...he was in love with his slaughtered wife, and infatuated with the likeness Minna bore to her...but terrorized by the fact that he could never feel corporeal love ever again. He wasn't cavorting around Salem Preparatory School or whatever seducing anorexic coeds. (Yeah, I'll say it: Kristen Stewart is gross, and her best acting role was when she was frozen solid in Zathura). If you wanna make a love story, make a love story...leave the vampires out of it.

So why watch a vampire movie? Simple. Lesbian vampires. Not only for the guy factor of it, but because I wanted to see how the hell they were gonna pull it off.

The movie opens with sloppy video of a bunch of goth kid vampire wannabes hanging around some creepy, aging club DJ (yes, he's the typical douche bag movie DJ). He calls these kids his "kindred", and some of them even have prosthetic fangs. And how come goth kids always want to be vampires? Isn't being an uber-conforming non-conformist enough? Now you have to torque the douche-o-meter up to 11 by filing your eye teeth to points? Have fun when you're 50. Okay...sorry. So the video is being made by a semi-normal misfit named Holly, who's an aspiring film maker. She's decided to follow these "weekend vampires" as she calls them and make a documentary...amazingly entitled, "Weekend Vampires". Creative. Well, the "kindred" like to take advantage of her hospitality, and usually end up partying at her house once the clubs are closed. On this particular night, she notices a girl hanging around that hasn't been there before (her name's Vicki, played by Anna Walton). As she's shooing the kindred out of her flat, Vicki lingers, and Holly decides to go against her rules and let her stay the night. Hence the lesbian vampire scenario.

It's a weak, albeit ambitious premise: Holly and Vicki fall somewhat in love. Vicki reveals the fact that she's a real vampire, has killed a couple of the members of the kindred, and needs to feed not only for herself, but for her vampire fetus (apparently male vampires mate with females by stalking then raping them...romantic, eh?). Vicki is a sad excuse for a vampire: she can see her reflection, she has no supernatural powers, and she kills her victims with a bolt gun...you know, the guns they use to kill cows...because, as she says, "It's painless & more humane that way". Painless my ass...more humane? What do you care? You're a vampire...the very TOP of the supernatural food chain. Holly & Vicki start raiding hospitals for their blood supplies (Vicki makes a nice smoothie with a couple raw eggs, ice and some hot sauce), but that turns out to be a sad surrogate to fresh human blood. Next is transients that they actually pay to let Vicki feed off of, but Vicki takes it too far & Holly tells her that she's gotta stop killing people. Vicki tells her to back off, or she's next. They break up for a bit, the cops are obviously looking for Vicki, but Holly finds her first...very preggo, lurking the streets for victims. She takes her home, cleans her up and starts letting her feed off of her own veins...but that gets old soon, and Holly has to stop, 'cuz she's dying. They have to find food & go on the lamb...the cops are breathing down their throats, remember? So they end up at a friend's beach house (which is the weirdest house I've ever seen), the baby's born, and it comes to a paradoxical ending.

Low points: The goth/vampire clones...too much fishnet & PVC...and they're all relatively attractive, which is annoying since in real life, most of these kids are over- or underweight, acne-riddled misfist who can't get laid (if you live in the Detroit area and wanna see some of them, go to Movement at Hart Plaza over Memorial Day weekend, you'll see a ton of 'em). Victim #2 is shot with the bolt gun, drained of his blood, and miraculously still alive when Vicki and Holly go to dump him in the Thames. All the "real" vampire shit is embarrassingly bad...like I listed above, she's pregnant, has a reflection, etc...it ruins the vampiric image.

High points: Vicki's kinda hot, everybody's got an accent, and there's some halfway decent gore. But that's about all.

The paradoxical ending I was telling you about happens when the police finally take Vicki (who gives Holly the baby, telling her "I'm not really a vampire...vampires don't exist, remember?" Umm...fuck that...I'm not rasing no vampire baby) into custody, and she makes a video diary from prison for her little vampire baby, "Aunt Holly will take care of you, sweetheart...just until mommy gets out". Meanwhile "Aunt" Holly is feeding the baby the only legal way she knows how: by cutting herself to feed the fledgling vampire...and she looks like SHIT...all anemic and whatnot.

Cue shitty, unsigned goth music; end credits.

Shame on me and my male libido for being lured into watching this piece of shit. Lesbian vampires, indeed! I should've known better, but little BM411G did the decision making on this one. The reward was slim...the nudity was there, but fuzzed out; the penalty was another hour of my life lost to a shitty movie.

But hey, that's what I do, right?

Until next time, the question is, do I go back to zombies, or do I break down and go the SyFy original route again? Decisions, decisions.

Happy watching, here's the trailer: Vampire Diary

Prom Night (2008)

Director: Nelson McCormick (The Stepfather & lots of T.V.)
Written by: J.S. Cardone (The Stepfather, The Covenant)
Starring: Brittany Snow (John Tucker Must Die, The Pacifier); Scott Porter (Lots of T.V.); Jessica Stroup (Vampire Bats, School for Scoundrels); Idris Elba (Obsession)& Johnathan Schaech (best known for That Thing You Do! but was amazing in Doom Generation...good movie, see it).

IMDB User Rating: 3.6 out of 10 stars (which is generous).

Favorite line: (as the fire alarms are going off in the hotel) "I need to go back and get my mother's shawl." Dead or not, sweetie...fuck that shawl.

Favorite Scene: Michael goes looking for his girlfriend, looks in the closet, killer's in there with a ball cap on and his head down...looks up, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, and pounces. It's the best scene in the film...unfortunately, it's the best scene in the film.


You know how when you're surfing through channels, and you see a remake of a movie you really like, but you know it's not gonna be nearly as good as the original, and you tell yourself not to watch it...but then you watch it anyway, and totally regret it? Yeah. That's Prom Night.

This movie never should've been made. I'm sure it was a vehicle designed to slingshot a bunch of careers into super-stardom, but the rubber band broke, and this piece of shit landed flat on its face. It breaks a ton of slasher movie rules, including gratuitous gore. There is an oddly obvious lack of gore throughout this entire flick...and not just gore, blood as well. Don't get me wrong...lots of violence, but the killer in this movie (Johnathan Schaech) is a throat-slasher, so there should be arterial spray EVERYWHERE, and yet...there isn't. Perhaps the latest trend of gearing horror movies to teens while keeping them relatively clean so mommy & daddy won't get upset has gone awry. I'm sorry...I grew up with The Evil Dead, The Babysitter, Army of Darkness & the Holy Trinity: Freddy, Jason & Michael Myers...our parents knew these movies were bullshit, so they flew under the radar...nothing bad was gonna come out of slasher films...until Tipper Gore fucked everything up.

If you didn't see the original, or you can't just guess the premise (actually, anything you guess would probably be better than the actual plot), it's Donna's prom, and it's supposed to be "the night of her life". Right, except that three years earlier, a psycho stalker teacher of hers murdered her entire family (in the opening scene, she discovers all of them and watches her mom get sliced and diced)...not only would that not put me in the mood for over-priced prom tickets and itchy tuxedos with god knows what in the crotch, it probably would have made me leave the damn town altogether. Donna (Brittany Snow) has recurring nightmares about watching her mom get brutally murdered (no blood spray, though...evidently mom had clogged arteries), and is aggressively seeking therapy to try to help her through the rough patches...which is pretty reasonable...but at the end of the session, after sharing her feelings of dread over these recurring nightmares in which she replays her mother's murder over and over and over, her therapist asks her about her prom dress. This makes her perk up, and they have a little mini conversation about prom...ALMOST LIKE SHE'S NOT THERE FOR THERAPY AT ALL!!

And let's talk about the opening scene for just a second more, shall we? When Donna gets home and starts looking for her family (who's mostly dead), she does what we would all do--she starts calling out while walking from room to room. I mean she's making a TON of noise. So's the killer. So when she hears the killer in her parents' room interrogating her mother by asking over and over, "Where the hell is she? I know she's here!", she runs to her own room and ducks under the bed. The killer and mom end up right next to the bed (how else would she witness her mom's death?), and if he would have just turned his little head to the right, he would have found what he was looking for. But then we wouldn't have 90 minutes of torture, now would we? My point is this: Donna was making a lot of noise...a lot of it. How the killer didn't hear her is beyond me...and it only gets worse.

Low points: There's a scene in the salon where Donna, Claire (Jessica Stroup) and Lisa (Dana Davis...who looks a lot like Gabrielle Union) are talking about how their boyfriends are expecting to get laid, and eluding to how that doesn't sound like such a bad idea. These girls are in high school, for crying out loud...and who the fuck talks like that in front of their hairdresser? Maybe I don't get it 'cuz I'm not a girl.
For some reason, there's a red carpet (complete with barricades and paparazzi) at this school's prom, and rumor has it, the head of the prom committee (that bitch Crissy Lynn) went over budget by $100,000. Now, unless DJ Tyler cost $99,000, I'd be doing some embezzlement investigations. There's an odd absence of chaperons at this prom, as well...maybe that's changed in the last 22 years, as well...but at my prom, the teachers were totally getting off on separating us from our dates on the dance floor. The DJ is a total jizzbag (just like every movie DJ...except Superstar DJ Keoki in Party Monster...Wilmer Valderrama did an awesome job. And how come movie DJs are douchebags? Remember Usher in She's All That? Enough said). The killer escapes the mental hospital they put him in, and Donna's aunt and uncle (they're raising her now) opt NOT TO TELL HER. "It'll ruin her big night, she'll be crushed if we go in there in front of all her friends", her uncle says. Sure...better to be stalked and killed than risk embarrassment in front of a bunch of poser rich kids...good decision making skills there, unc. The gore is non existent, so's the nudity...breaking two major slasher movie rules. And when there is a little bit of blood, it's shadowed and predictable. I watched the credits, there are five makeup artists in this film...but evidently no makeup budget...the jugular wounds look like split hot dogs. There are a dozen visual effects editors...but extremely limited visual effects. Where'd the budget go? Catering? The cops are stupid and inept (how come horror movie cops aren't as smart as Barney Fife?), the acting is sophomoric, and the killer breaks through a hotel door...really? All hotel doors are fire doors, therefore steel enforced. There are a lot of stereotypical teenage moments, which would probably piss me off if I were a teen, but they make me laugh...like the prom queen hopeful losing her mind because a fire alarms prevents them from announcing the king and queen. Perhaps most offensive to the horror movie maven, there are no less than three or four really cheap "BOO" moments (as you continue to read my blog, you'll understand how much I HATE cheap boo moments).

High points: Johnathan Schaech. He's AMAZING as a creepy prick (I'll say it again, see Doom Generation...just don't eat beforehand). Schaech can do more with a look than the rest of the cast could with acting lessons and a possession by Marlon Brando...the guy is under rated. There's a good slow-mo scene where Schaech just overpowers some kid...I guess that's where the FX budget went. There's a strobe effect on Schaech toward the end that makes him look even scarier than he already does. Plus, there's a pretty decent cover of Time of the Season, but the credit font was so shitty that I can't tell you who did it. But that's about it...the rest of the movie sucks...in fact, if it weren't for Johnathan Schaech, it would be unwatchable.

And speaking of suck, let's talk about the ending, shall we? The cops finally decide to clear out the hotel (they gotta make sure the killer's really in there), and in the process, they look for Donna, who's nowhere to be seen, because she went looking for Lisa...who is dead. At one point, Lisa's boyfriend tells a cop he's gotta go back and look for her, to which the cop answers, "I can't let you go in there...but keep looking, she's gotta be out here somewhere." Here's the problem with that: he and Lisa are the only two black kids in school, and Lisa's wearing an electric blue dress with her titties hanging halfway out. My point is...she would stick out. The cops finally find Donna, and get her and her boyfriend Bobby, in the back of a squad car. "Oh, cool" you think, "they're gonna take them to the police station". WRONG. They take them to Donna's HOUSE! Over confident these cops are, me thinks. Of course the killer escapes the hotel...by dressing in the concierge's uniform, which fits like a glove, even though the concierge is four inches shorter than he, and at least 25lbs heavier.

Snaps to Donna's house, where a bunch of cops are posted inside and out...meanwhile Detective Winn (Idris Elba) is trying to call Donna's land line instead of using his cop radio. Finally he wises up, realizing that the killer's already there, and the phone line is cut (who the fuck still has a land line? Only when it's convenient, apparently). Donna and Bobby are sound asleep, when Donna gets up to take her Xanax, looks out the window, sees Detective Nash in his car...goes to the bathroom, takes her medicine, closes the medicine cabinet door HOLYSHITTHERE'STHEKILLER!!!! Boom! She wakes up...haha...gotcha on another cheap boo moment. She gets up, looks out the window, sees Detective Nash in his car...goes to the bathroom, takes her medicine, closes the medicine cabinet door...nothing. Goes back to bed, thanks Bobby for staying, he doesn't answer...she rolls over and oh shit...Bobby's throat is slit. But amazingly enough, the white sheets aren't completely soaked in blood...'cuz they blew their FX wad on that slo-mo scene, remember? No money for blood, sorry fellas. There's a few struggles, Schaech gets bit, kick in the face a few times, and just as he's about to stab Donna and put all of us out of our misery, Detective Winn shoots him like, six times. But no blood (not initially, but there's a little stain when he falls forward).

Run end credits over a bunch of grinding dance floor prom footage.

Cheap ass movie. Even though Johnathan Schaech delivers, it's totally not worth your time...wanna see him fuck some shit up? See Doom Generation. Wanna see him sing and sulk over his new-found fame and basically tell Tom Hanks to go fuck himself? See That Thing You Do! But under no circumstances should you waste your valuable time on this movie.

Enough said...I'm out. Next up, a lesbian vampire movie...keep your fingers crossed.

Here's the trailer for this crapfest: Prom Night

Cursed (2005)

Director: Wes Craven (Nightmare on Elm Street; The Hills Have Eyes; The Serpent and the Rainbow)
Written by: Kevin Williamson (Scream 1, 2 & 3; I Know What You Did Last Summer; Dawson's Creek)

Starring: Joshua Jackson (Free Willy; The Skulls; Dawson's Creek; Fringe), Christina Ricci (The Addams Family; Monster; Penelope) Portia de Rossi (Stigmata; Scream 2; Ellen Degeneres' wife); Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie; Tomcats; 13 Ghosts); and for no apparent reason, Craig Kilborn & Scott Baio.

IMDB user rating: 4.8 out of 10 stars.

Favorite Line: Sorry...it's all crap in this one...a little boring (no surprise here...look who wrote it)

Favorite Scene: Christina Ricci locks the hell out of her front door, but leaves her first floor window wide open...very effective.

Okay, is it sacrilegious to rip on a film made by someone you've been a fan of for a long time? Maybe...but I'm gonna do it anyway. You know how some artists' work gets better over time, with each movie, song or book they come out with making the ones before it seems sophomoric? Well, it seems like Wes Craven's quality of work is going down the toilet. Unless the new Nightmare movie kicks serious ass, I might have to write him off. With Cursed, it's like he's phoning it in...just like Kid Rock's music...it's bland and predictable. But I thought "What the hell? There's a full moon outside, I'll watch a werewolf movie tonight."

The opening scene is typically Cravenesque: Two slutty girls at a carnival (Shannon Elizabeth & Mya--who has REALLY ugly feet) get their palms read by a sexy medium (Portia de Rossi) who tells them to beware...blood is coming. Flip to a nerdy kid who loses his dog, and the girl he's secretly in love with (it's painfully obvious to everybody but her...seen it!) catches the dog for him. The girl's latently gay, homophobic bully boyfriend and his cronies show up just in time (in the homophobe's Z-28, no less) to terrorize this kid (something that happens REPEATEDLY throughout the movie). Meanwhile, Christina Ricci meets up with her boyfriend (Joshua Jackson) at his club, Tinsel, that's set to open in a few days. Tinsel is a Hollywood themed nightclub, in Hollywood (very brave...they even rip on Planet Hollywood a little), with dioramas from classic horror films (you can see Freddy Kruger in the background, but always out of focus). Joshua is very busy, but still has time to tell Christina that he needs some space "I just wanna crawl into bed for three days", he says...to which she totally agrees...but he's not buying. Does Joshua Jackson have to be a douchy prick in everything? Flip to Ellie (Christina Ricci, who frankly peaked as Wednesday Addams, in my opinion) picking up her geeky kid with the dog (her brother). They live on Mulholland Drive (boooring...been there, done that), and in the course of all the twists and turns that imfamous road provides, they hit a mysterious animal, then a car, then a tree. The car they hit rolls down an embankment, and when they get out to help, it's Shannon Elizabeth (she should die in the first half hour of every movie she's in...she sucks), who's stuck in the car, upside down. Just as they free her legs from the steering wheel and the rest of her from the seatbelt, she gets grabbed by a beast that not only drags her out of the car, but Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg...Christina Ricci's brother) as well (he grabs her by the ankles), and Ellie (who grabs Jimmy by the ankles). At this point, my girlfriend (who graciously puts up with this obsession of mine) turns to me and says, "Something big enough to drag three people through the woods? Fuck that, I'd be outta there." Very true. And with those three vignettes, Craven has set us up for two hours worth of cinematic excrement.

From there, it's Melrose Place meets Teen Wolf for an hour and a half. Joshua Jackson (who's actually not half bad in Fringe) plays the part of the mysterious, aloof douchebag he's been pigeonholed into and perfected over his career. Christina Ricci is a bug eyed P.A. for Craig Kilborn who overextends the "innocent turned wicked girl" yet again; Scott Baio is embarrassing as always; Shannon Elizabeth is a moron; and the girl who plays Joanie (she's Scott Baio's publicist...get it? Joanie Loves Chachi...or however you spell it) sucked worse than anything she's ever been in...which is a stretch. Portia de Rossi isn't bad, but she only has two scenes, so I'm sure with enough time, she would've sucked, too. The only believable character is Jimmy, played by Jesse Eisenberg, who was in Zombieland (they're making a Zombieland 2), The Village & The Squid & the Whale, to name a few. He plays the nerdy victim turned stud muffin--albeit a little Toby McGuire as Peter Parkeresque--to the letter. Very entertaining.

The premise is a 3 on the crap-o-meter. Ellie and Jimmy are both infected by the werewolf & begin to feel the effects over the next few days, including the "mark of the beast" on their palm, which looks like five blisters in a circle..but wait! Trace over them with a sharpie, and you've got yourself a pentagram! Both of them are bullied at school & at work, but that changes the more lycan they become. They decide to hunt down and kill the beast that turned them into what they presently are, based on the internet & book research Jimmy does on the subject...but here's where it gets a bit muddy, because other than silver, they use vampire rules...and a zombie rule or two...separate head from heart, etc.--to kill the werewolves. Turns out, the werewolves are Johshua Jackson and Joanie the publicist. He's the original, and infected her with the lycanthropic curse through--get this--sexual transmission. "I guess there's no such thing as safe sex anymore", Joanie says. Please...don't tell me lycanthropic jizz is strong enough to penetrate a Trojan. She's killing all the women he's been with--and are still into him (werewolves have inexpicably strong sex appeal) in order to be the alpha female (they are wolves, you know). There are some predicable "BOO" moments, some Cravenian twists and turns, and a shitload of shitty acting, homophobia, and machismo. The C.G. is weak, the gore is almost non-existent and unbelievable, and the ending is PRE-DICT-A-BLE!

The climax happens at the club opening, where Joanie reveals herself as the killer werewolf, hell bent on taking Ellie out. There's a big fight scene, and when the cops show up, the she-wolf disappears into the wings. That is, until the cops ask for a discription, to which Ellie replies, "she's got a bony ass" among a few other nasty things. Well, Joanie won't take that...and she comes out to attack yet again. The cops shoot her a bunch of times...there's a King Kong homage scene, as she gasps then falls to the ground...seemingly dead. "All clear!" the head cop says...but NO! Joanie jumps back up and BLAMMO! The head cop puts a slug in her brain. "That would definitely qualify as head separated from heart...brains all over the floor", Jimmy says. "Like I said, ALL CLEAR! Get these people outta here!" says the head cop...hands on hips and everything.

Ellie and Jimmy head home, but notice that the mark of the beast is still on their hands. Enter Joshua Jackson to explain that you have to kill the original to end the curse (again, isn't that vampire rules?). "But you can't kill me, and I have to kill Jimmy...there's only room for one alpha male". Huge struggle, Jimmy walks on the ceiling, and Ellie ultimately stabs Joshua with a sterling silver wedding cake spatula. He ultimately catches fire (vampire rules! werewolves don't burn, dammit) and all is well. Yawn.

Okay. I've seen worse...and I've seen much, much better. Wes Craven is definitely better than this; it's almost like he and Scott Baio went on The Craig Kilborn Show and said to one another, "Hey, we should all do a movie together!" Either way, this is a snooze fest. Boring gore, no nudity, and Mya's ugly ass feet. Don't bother. But like always, check out the trailer: Wes Craven's Cursed.

Fido (2007)

Director: Andrew Currie
Written By: Robert Chomiak & Andrew Currie
Starring: Carrie-Anne Moss (Memento, Chocolat, The Matrix), Billy Connolly (The Boondock Saints, White Oleander) Dylan Baker (Spiderman, Road to Perdition, Revolutionary Road), Tim Blake Nelson (O Brother, Where art Thou?, The Astronaut Farmer, A Foreign Affair) and Introducing Kesun Loder (billed as K'sun Ray).

Favorite Scene: Mom (played by Carrie-Ann Moss) shoots a bully in the bushes, gets nine shots out of a revolver.

Favorite Line: "Thanks to ZomCon, you can be a productive member of society...even after you're dead!"

When I began this blogging trip, I knew for a fact that not all the movies I reviewed were gonna suck. Some of them were going to be somewhat entertaining, some of them I was going to watch and review for nostalgic reasons (like Evil Dead)...and I love some shitty movies just because they're shitty, i.e.: Starship Troopers & Showgirls. Never did I expect to run across a brilliant, very entertaining film like Fido. I'd like to make fun of it...I really would. But it was just too damn good; plus, it lampoons itself, which as all bullies know takes all the fun out of the act of torture.

When you are flipping through channels looking for shitty movies to review on your blog, and you're a huge zombie movie fan, it's hard to pass up a zombie movie with relatively big, definitely talented stars like Carrie-Anne Moss, Billy Connolly and Tim Blake Nelson...it has shades of a big name ensemble cast sleeper like Boogie Nights, Rat Race and Lake Placid. So the record button is hit, the DVR is programmed, and when it comes time to watch either a zombie movie with the well-known stars or a werewolf movie with the well-known stars...it's time to flip a coin (or in this case, ask my girlfriend's 10-year-old if he had to choose between zombies and werewolves, which would it be?) He chose zombies, in case you're bored, stupid or both.

Now, if you're a fan of zombie movies, you know there's a few types of zombies; there are your classic slow but persistent zombies, like in Night of the Living Dead (which, by Romero's admission, was a smoke screened political film) and Dawn of the Dead (original=awesome, remake=crap) & Sean of the Dead (I had to watch that one twice to really appreciate it...awesome soundtrack); there are psycho, drug-induced zombies that run after your ass, like 28 Days Later...which is bullshit...I wanna outrun my zombies; there are "Holy shit!...That could happen!" zombies like in Serpent & the Rainbow (thank you Wes Craven); and then there are the zombies in Fido...a zombie movie unlike any other.

Quite a few years ago I stopped using the phrase "now I've seen everything" because--in my line of work--as soon as you say something like that, something unusual, unique or cool tends to happen, rendering the phrase moot. That, my friends, is Fido. It's set in that colorful, idyllic, "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" decade that gave us Elvis Presley, T.V. in every home, and "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance--the '50s. Everything is in that odd technicolor that we so fondly associate with that decade, and when I say idyllic...I mean idyllic .

The movie opens with one of those old-time newsreel shorts detailing how awesome "post zombie war" life is thanks to ZomCon, a company that has developed a collar that, when worn by a zombie, neutralizes the zombie's craving for human flesh. Right away, I'm in love with this flick...'cuz I love movies that use those cheesy newsreels (Southpark, Starship Troopers, The Hudsucker Proxy). These collars work like miracles, rendering the zombies harmless, therefore turning them into pet-like slaves, until the red light goes off ("call ZomCon right away, or hit your ZomCon panic button"), at which time the zombies "go wild" and eat whoever is closest. The main character is a boy named Timmy (played by Kesun Loder...remember his name...he's going places), and his class is visited by Mr. Bottoms, the new CEO of ZomCon. He assures everybody that ZomCon is the best thing to happen to their town, because without ZomCon "we'd all be dead...and then where would we be?" To which the class answers "Dead" in unison. It's double entendres like that all throughout the movie, and it's cinematic gold, in my opinion. Ultimately, Timmy's family gets a zombie (brilliantly played by Billy Connolly) due to mom's desire to keep up with the Joneses (or, in this case, the Buttonses), much to dad's chagrin (the first and only zombie dad had to kill was his own father, when he was 11, causing him to be phobic of zombies).

Timmy's a weird kid, picked on by these two bully brothers who wear Boy Scout uniforms throughout the entire film, and when he tries to play ball with his family's new zombie, he gets frustrated that it can't catch, so he goes for a walk. Well, the bullies find him and start to beat the shit out of him (they also pointed a loaded rifle at him during "outside education", which consists of zombie target practice...gotta be prepared, just in case), at which time his zombie comes to his rescue, breaking one of the bully's arms in the process. Timmy and the zombie bond instantly, and Timmy notices that his new friend is carrying a baseball glove; "Wanna play catch, boy?" But again, zombies can't catch, so it's the next best thing: "Well, if you can't catch, then you're gonna have to fetch". Fido goes after the ball, which has rolled under the town busybody's bench, his collar malfunctions, he eats the busybody (Mrs. Henderson), and that's that. We're gonna have ourselves a free-range zombie on our hands.

Timmy, as any normal 10 or 11 year old kid would do, covers it up, even narrowly escaping getting caught when Mr. Bottoms (the ZomCon big wig) sees blood on Fido's face:
"Where'd that blood on that zombie come from, son?"
"Nosebleed."
"That's not a fresh zombie, only fresh zombies bleed."
"It was my nose that was bleeding."
"...why the hell did you wipe your blood on the zombie?"
Timmy is then saved by Mr. Bottoms daughter, who begs to be taken to ballet class.

It's like that throughout; Timmy has to decapitate Mrs. Henderson and bury her in a garden to avoid getting caught, but not before she eats a guy walking his dog; the bullies tie up Timmy and Fido, only to turn into zombies themselves, at which time Timmy sends Fido to get mom..."tell mom there's trouble, boy"; mom kills the zombie bullies, gets wrapped up in a mutually felt crush on Fido (dad doesn't pay attention to them at all); dad is completely obsessed with funerals, because only 10% of people have them, the rest "go zombie".

The dialogue is amazing, the photography is brilliant, and the characters share a dynamic that happens once in a blue moon. This movie is sort of a Night of the Living Dead meets Lassie meets Pleasantville. It's shot mostly during the day, which is completely unheard of in the zombie genre, it has a storyline that grabs you and doesn't let go...it's unique.

Some of my favorite things about this movie: Mr. Theopolis (Tim Blake Nelson) has a zombie girlfriend named Tammy (Sonja Bennett) who he dresses in short shorts and who "died of an anyeurism...they slapped that collar on her before she hit the ground...almost no decomp"; there's actually a zombie leash law...go figure; there's a scene where Timmy and Fido are washing dad's car...mom comes out with a glass of lemonade for Timmy...sees how much fun he's having with his zombie and goes back in the house to grab two more glasses...to join in the fun; Mom delivers lines like "You crazy, wonderful zombie!" and (upon seeing Fido's collar is malfunctioning), "how come you're not eating me, zombie?" Nice.

Perhaps the best part of the film is the ending. It's discovered that Fido did, in fact, eat Mrs. Henderson, so he's gotta go back to ZomCon. Mr. Bottoms tells Timmy that he could send him and his whole family to the "wild zone", which is apparently where they send offenders of ZomCon's laws. Timmy finds out Fido's still alive (apparently when zombies go wild, they get euthanized...makes sense, when you think about it), recruits Mr. Theopolis to help him get into ZomCon (Fido's working in the collar factory...evidently Mr. Bottoms "never wastes a good zombie"), and, somewhat predictably, gets caught by Mr. Bottoms, who takes him out back of the factory and puts him on the other side of the "fenceline" where the wild zombies roam the "wild zone". "Go make some friends!" he tells Timmy. Along come Dad and Fido to the rescue, Dad gets shot, and Fido eats Mr. Bottoms, fade to black.

Fade up, it's one of those goofy, happy '50s bar-b-que scenes, with Mr. Theopolis and his beloved Tammy, Mom, Timmy and the new baby (Mom was pregnant, Dad thought she was just getting fat). Along comes Mrs. Bottoms and little Cindy Bottoms with their new zombie in tow, coincidentally enough, it's Mr. Bottoms. "Cool new zombie, Cindy...what's his name?" Timmy asks. "I really haven't given him a name yet...I've just been calling him 'Daddy'" A swift jerk of the leash causes Mr. Bottoms to pay better attention to the situation, he passes by Fido, they exchange a menacing glance, Timmy says "does your zombie play catch?" Happy music, end credits.

Like I said, this is the most unique zombie movie I've ever seen. There's an element of pathos and empathy where Fido is concerned...he's almost still in there, you know? The acting is top-notch...it's a really good movie. Perhaps my favorite element of it all is that everybody's so blatantly matter-of-fact about the whole thing, as if to say "Hey, we're Americans...this is how we handle shit". And if you think about it...that's probably how we really would handle it, turning zombies into slaves.

My advice: see this movie when you get a chance. I caught it on the Sundance channel, so there's a possibility it'll come back around soon; or better yet, if you have NetFlix, make it happen. You won't be disappointed. Thanks for playing along, go check out the trailer: Fido

The Evil Dead (1981)

Written and Directed by: Sam Raimi (Spiderman I, II & III; Darkman)
Starring: Bruce Campbell (Army of Darkness), Ellen Sandweiss, Richard DeManincor (as Hal Delrich), Betsy Baker & Theresa Tilly (as Sarah York).

Favorite Line: "Join us! Join us!!"

Favorite Scene: Ash gives Scotty a double thumb jammy, resulting in an explosion of gore all over the place.

My love/hate affair with horror movies started when I was five; my sisters were kind enough to let me tag along to the theater to see Jaws, which was no big deal to me until that decapitated head comes floating out from under a boat or somewhere...I lost it at that point. Then it was Halloween when I was nine...I didn't sleep right for a week after Michael Myers disappeared from the lawn after all the knitting needles & gunshots & shit. When I was ten, it was Phantasm...that one freaked out my 19-year-old sister as well...we slept with every light in the house on that night. It wasn't until later on, when a local late night movie guy named The Ghoul started showing horror movies, that I got hooked on zombies. There are two types of movies I watch, regardless of how many times I've seen them in the past: baseball movies and zombie movies...can't get enough of either of them. It really all started for me with Night of the Living Dead ("they're coming to get you Barbara"), and Dawn of the Dead, both of which were remade, both of which didn't live up to the originals. Zombies were just better back then, creepier looking, slower for sure, but persistent. Recent zombie movies are good (The Serpent & The Rainbow, Sean of the Dead), but they lack the innate fear that late 60's to early 80's zombies emit from us.

I wrote in a previous blog about my disappointment over the survivors in horror films, where it always seems to be that at least one human gets to survive, therefore reigning supreme over our primal fears. Realistically, Mortuary (see blog archive) implies no survivors, but in an unrealistic way...a cheap way. The Evil Dead does this with flair, the winner being the unknown. Early horror movies, like The Evil Dead were masterful vessels of the fear of the unknown...not only does it scare the shit out of all of us, it doesn't cost much; a couple of PAs in the woods, shaking the tree, and ooooh, scary! Brilliant is more like it.

As you may have figured out by now, this is not one of my typical blog posts. That's because as shitty as The Evil Dead really is, it's a brilliant trail-blazer film...so this is more of a bad movie tribute review. That, and I'm taking a well-deserved break from Syfy originals...'cuz they suck.

In my opinion, the best thing about this movie is Bruce Campbell. You know you know who Bruce Campbell is, but other than The Evil Dead & Army of Darkness, you would probably be hard pressed to rattle off another one of his films off the top of your head. It's more like, "Hey, that's Bruce Campbell" when you're watching a movie that he just happens to be in. He's one of those bad actors that never got off the B list, but who also doesn't care...nor does he make excuses. He's witty and (at least on screen) charming while being a cock at the same time (think about Spiderman, when he scolds Toby McGuire for having a crappy nickname). In Evil Dead, he's the unwitting recipient of gallons upon gallons of his dying friends' blood & gore, and the only one other than Sam Raimi who really ever went anywhere. He'll put a smile on your face every time you see him in a movie, 'cuz you don't know what the hell he's gonna do...kind of like Chris Elliott...he's just got that look about him.

Evil Dead is less of a zombie movie and more of a possession film, but nobody wants to be in the same category as The Exorcist, so the zombie genre got one of film history's favorite cult classics. It starts off typically enough; five coeds driving out in the middle of nowhere to somebody's uncle's cabin for a weekend of booze & sex & whatnot. What happens when they get there is anything but. For those of you who haven't seen this movie (what's wrong with you?! See this movie!!), here's the basic premise: Scotty and Ash find a reel-to-reel tape deck with a recording of some scientist who found "the Book of the Dead" & proceeded to read incantations from it, therefore not only raising the evil in his time, but also in the time of our friends Ash, Scotty, Cheryl, Shelly & Linda...yes, the recording does that.

Cheryl's the weird one--and the first to go...she hears a sound outside and goes to investigate (no weird girl, don't go outside!), gets violated by the woods themselves, begs for a ride into town (at one point, Ash tells her to stay in the car while he goes to investigate something...but she doesn't), but the bridge is out, and she's forced to stay in the evil cabin. The evil seeps into her wounds somehow, and turns her into some sickly looking, zombified creature that gets locked up in the cellar (and remains a pain in the ass from that point on). Cheryl stabs Linda in the shin with a pencil, Shelly turns (I don't remember how...I really don't think they explain that) and Scotty has to dismember her, then he and Ash bury her in the woods. Scotty then freaks out completely and decides he's gotta beat feet out of there, only to return scarred and cut to shit by the woods. Ash goes to check on Linda, and as he looks at her pencil stab wound, she turns as well...but doesn't try to attack, just sits cross-legged on the floor and laughs really annoyingly. At one point, Ash takes her out to the shed, chains her down on a workbench and picks up a chainsaw. You're thinking "hell yeah...chainsaw", but he can't do it, and buries her whole instead. Well, she crawls out of the ground, and the scene that follows is probably still one of the goriest, most gruesome things I've ever seen, with blood and white shit flowing from Linda's zombie mouth, and ends with Ash decapitating her with a shovel (her headless body falls on top of him, gushing blood into his mouth...yum). Ash then goes back into the cabin to find Scotty possessed and Cheryl escaped from the cellar. He himself goes into the cellar, looking for god knows what, and finds himself in a madhouse situation: blood trickling into a lightbulb, over the lens of a projector (very gross, by the way), etc. He goes back upstairs, has a truly psychotic moment (you can actually see him losing his mind...go Bruce), and the climactic scene is when he figures out that if he burns the book of the dead, the zombies will die as well. And die they do...in a barrage of sound effects, stop action photography and gore that has yet to be rivaled.

You think he's gonna make it...the sun's up...he stumbles out the front door of the cabin...but then you remember that Linda gouged the shit out of his leg during their fight scene...all of a sudden, the evil races through the woods, over the woodshed, through the cabin, and as Ash turns around to scream...end credits.

Boom! Evil-5; Humans-0. Take that.

Like I said, it's a bad movie, but Sam Raimi is a really decent writer/director, and whoever did the camera direction was a genius. There are some really interesting angles, some very stark camera work that lends to the overall spookiness of the film, the lighting is ahead of its time, and the gore is absolutely outstanding. The acting is sub-par, and Scotty is wearing a belt buckle you can toboggan on, but Bruce Campbell carries the whole thing, and although I'll bet he and Raimi were friends (everybody in this film is from Michigan except for Betsy Baker), he pulls off a cult-classic performance that Ed Wood would've been proud of.

If you haven't seen The Evil Dead, I highly recommend you get with the program. It's a cult film that stands alone within the horror cult genre. Don't believe me? Watch the trailer: The Evil Dead

Ogre (2008)

Director: Stephen R. Monroe
Written by: Chuck Reeves
Starring: John Schneider (he was Bo Duke), Ryan Kennedy, Katharine Isabelle, and again, a whole lotta nobody.

Remember John Schneider? He reached the zenith of fame as Bo Duke on the Dukes of Hazzard, a show that was pretty highly rated back in the 70s...I, for one, never missed an episode. Unfortunately, John peaked back then, and has been on a downward spiral of mediocrity ever since. Enter today's victim film, Ogre (yet another Syfy original). Although John's career is in the toilet, I have to say he's aging well and really seemed to be enjoying this particular role. He plays a magi turned Magistrate in 1859 Pennsylvania, where for some reason, the men in the town are still referred to as "Sir" & "Lord". I wasn't aware royalty was recognised in the U.S. in the mid 19th century, but oh well...it's the writer's first movie--ever.

This movie was bad even for Syfy original standards. It's a sloppy The Village meets Blair Witch Project debacle. In a small Pennsylvania town in 1859, villagers are succumbing to some sort of strange disease; the only symptom evidently being angry looking blisters on the palms of their hands. Sounds like syphilis to me. The disease is never given a name or revealed, but it's serious enough for John Schneider to conjure up an idea to save the village: they have to make yearly sacrifices to "the Ogre", which is a manifestation of their disease and all their sins. A myopic two year old could see the underlying M.O. on this one; Schneider is using the Ogre to keep the villagers scared, and him in control...boooring.

Fast forward to "Present Day". Four retards wandering around in the Pennsylvania wilderness looking for the same legendary village that started the annual Ogre feedings. One of them, Terry (Kyle Labine) is SUPER excited, and has a map to prove it. His three friends (who aren't all that impressed about being out in the woods), are reluctantly indulging his obvious obsession, but of course reserving the right to fuck with him about it the whole way. When a path appears out of nowhere, Terry goes apeshit, and starts running in the direction he assumes the village to be in, and trips over a HUGE tree, breaking his widdle pussy ankle. Mike (Ryan Kennedy) and Jessica (Katherine Isabelle) decide to go for help, and leave Terry and Leah (Kimberly Warnat) to "set up camp". Bad, bad idea. While Mike and Jessica are gone, Terry finds the doors that lead to the Ogre's lair, which look like the double doors that lead to a tornado shelter, only bigger (amazingly enough, there's no overgrowth on the doors, they look just like they did back in 1859). Terry is now damn near frantic with excitement, 'cuz holy shit, this could be the proof they've been looking for! He goes over to the doors...pries them open (while hobbling around on his good foot), and PROMPTLY gets eaten by our friend the Ogre. Leah of course freaks out, and runs like hell...but the Ogre is as determined as a zombie, and it's buh-bye Leah.

Meanwhile, Mike and Jessica find a "Do Not Enter" "Village Closed" sign along the path, stumble upon the village they've been looking for, and--you guessed it--everybody (except the ones eaten by the Ogre over the years) is still alive. As Mike and Jessica peek into the town hall meeting, the villagers are having a meeting to see who the "chosen one" is gonna be this year. Except now, 149 years later, people are starting to grumble a bit...but John Schneider and his magical orb on a stick put them in their place by choosing poor Stephen Chandler (Brendan Fletcher), zapping his hand and branding him with a pentagram inside a circle. Mike and Jessica are discovered, and thrown into jail with Stephen.

The village elders choose one guy to be the bad guy and go talk to Bo Duke about standing up to the Ogre...because the insanity has to stop. Bo's answer to that, of course is that he has no control over any of it, and to even think such a thing is to tempt the Ogre's wrath (see a little Christian social commentary evolving here?) Schneider concedes that perhaps the answer is to offer up the "outsiders" instead of their own, therefore saving all of them from their impending doom for four years (they don't know that Terry and Leah have already been eaten).

Well, Mike and Jessica escape with the help of John Schneider's daughter Hope (Chelan Simmons), they all head for the woods, but when they get to the "barrier", only Mike and Jessica (being outsiders) are able to cross; John Schneider's spell prohibits the villagers from crossing over without being turned into energy and blowing up. "Go now...and never return" says Hope. Do they listen? Hell no, they hitch hike to the nearest sheriff's station, tell them the completely asinine tale of the village, the Ogre & all that, and when they realize the sheriff doesn't believe any of it, they steal the cop car, get it stuck in the mud, grab the shotgun, head back to the village on foot, and stage a coup against the Ogre.

Okay...lemme catch my breath.

The movie has its moments...there's some good gore; John Schneider is having a blast being an orb-on-a-stick wielding, magic conjuring man witch; a couple of the chicks are hot. The Ogre, on the other hand, is some of the worst CG I've seen since Spiderman, and the acting is over the top. The premise is ridiculously flimsy, and like I said before, a total The Village rip-off.

The end mercilessly comes when Mike, Jessica and the villagers stand up to the Ogre, and Hope figures out her dad's magic (John Schneider is killed by the Ogre while looking for Hope, I guess his contract ran out before the movie wrapped), and she magically pushes the Ogre outside the barrier, where he blows up like Stevie did. The spell is lifted, all the villagers blow up themselves, a touching moment is had between Mike, Jessica and Hope, happy ending, roll credits.

If you don't laugh at this movie, it'll put you in a bad mood for a week, so thank goodness for my reviews, right?

Until next time...here's the trailer.

Meltdown: Days of Destruction (2006)

Director: John Murlowski
Writer: Rick Drew
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Amanda Crew and a whole lot of nobody.


Favorite Line: "I'm not gonna walk in and tell the directors I'm scrubbing the mission 'cuz 'Dr. Chicken Little' has a bad feeling."

Favorite Scene: The gang finds a frozen food factory, go into the reefer to check things out & there's a frozen guy sitting there with his eyes open and an actual icicle hanging from his nose...classic.

Have you ever noticed that when science fiction movies contain more science and less fiction, it kinda pisses you off? When Luke and the gang go to Endor in Empire Strikes back you're like "Okay...little furry creatures living in a primitive culture, I can accept that, because it's a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...continue to entertain me, Mr. Lucas." But when a crew of douchebags (led by King Douchebag) fly a couple of space shuttles out to an asteroid in order to drill into it and blow it in half, your reaction is more like, "Oh, c'mon...that's soo not gonna happen, ever", and "Why the hell is Steve Buscemi doing this piece of crap?"

Doomsday movies do this a lot; they use muddy scientific logic seemingly in hopes to befuddle the movie watcher into believing the unbelievable. The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, Armageddon & tonight's victim, Meltdown, all share this particular fondness for futility. The premise is not only flimsy, it's frighteningly unbelievable; some scientific agency (which is never named)throws a nuke at an asteroid the "size of Iceland" that's hurtling toward earth at "ten times the speed of a bullet", the nuke blows the asteroid into three parts, the biggest of which is still on a collision course with Earth, but evidently there's a miscommunication because the asteroid skims our stratosphere, nudging the planet of its axis, and pushing it closer to the sun, causing a 10% spike in temperature, therefore plunging us into global blackouts, drought and looting...all within the first 24 hours.

I don't even know where to start making fun of this movie. The only real reason I watched it to begin with is because of Casper Van Dien...if you've read this blog at all, or you know me personally, you know that Starship Troopers is my favorite crappy movie. Casper is a horrible actor, with no real redeeming qualities, and has about as much depth as Harrison Ford, but he seems to put a lot of enthusiasm into his roles, it's kinda fun to watch...plus, he's completely oblivious to his own mediocrity, and that's admirable. He's married to royalty, you know.

Well, I paid the price--dearly--for watching this flick. It's no Starship Troopers, I'll tell you that. Seems like the only thing that sucks more than Syfy channel originals is Lifetime originals. It starts with a well-meaning but "my hands are tied" scientist type (Vincent Gale) telling his greedy bureaucrat boss that throwing a nuclear weapon at an asteroid is irresponsible, and that the human race is gonna pay the ultimate price, to which boss man argues that if they don't, the asteroid will destroy the planet regardless, so what's to lose? Difficult to argue with that logic, to be honest...perhaps they should have brought in Bruce, Ben and the rest of the Space Douchebag crew to fly out and drill it first...it worked out in that asteroid movie. By the way, am I the only person who thought Armageddon sucked? How did they get that many credible actors to agree to that piece of shit?

From there, it's like Armageddon meets The Stand meets The Day After Tomorrow. Officer Tom and friends embark on a seemingly futile trek to--get this--the Arctic. Along the way, they experience cars blowing up due to gasoline back firing in the fuel line into the gas tank...umm, wouldn't the radiator blow first? I mean, it's only 116 degrees...I've been in that kind of heat, never saw any cars blow up; they go into a series of drainage tunnels and run across some "tunnel people" and a dirty cop that ends up kidnapping Nathan (with some help from his paramilitary friends in a suburban outfitted with some kind of refrigerant re breathing system) because Nathan knows a guy with an airplane; they retrofit a refrigerated truck to make a vehicle like the one they took Nate away in, only to be shot at & leaking freon; then stumble upon a refrigerated food factory (where the dead icicle guy is) just in the nick of time...freon for EVERYONE, HAHAHA!! Ultimately they end up at an airport, Nathan and Officer Dirty are there, Nathan's friend's plane blows up due to that back firing fuel issue when he flies too low, lots of people get shot, and there's a predictable ending that comes a little prematurely...I mean, you're looking at the clock saying to yourself, "They've only got five minutes left, they better wrap this shit up". Another, "Let's finish this fucker, we're outta money."

Here's the 411 on how they ended it: Kimberly asks Nathan the scientist if the whole Earth too close to the sun thing could ever be fixed. "Sure," Nathan says, and goes on to lay down a crazy theory about the other planets' gravitational pull correcting the Earth's orbit, and if that happened, it would begin to rain due to the planet shifting back into its cool path. Well, guess what? That's exactly what happened, after all the shooting (Nathan gets hit in the leg, but is walking fine by end credits) and the fuel back firing, and the dead people and all the rest...here comes the rain. Boom. Happy ending.

See? Even in doomsday films, people win every damn time. It's sad when you think about it...our inability to admit defeat, even when the demise of our species is caused by our own stupidity. One day a film maker is going to make a movie where EVERYBODY gets it in the end...that would be a brave move, not pandering to the fragile human psyche.

This movie has no redeeming qualities; the explosions are crap, the dead people are caked in sloppy makeup, the dialog and the science are offensively ignorant...I'm actually bummed that I watched it, but like I said, I did it for Casper.

If you ever see this movie on your channel listings, please, I beg you, watch something else.

Don't believe me? Check out the trailer.

Dog Soldiers (2002) (click to watch trailer)

Favorite Line: Sarge: "My guts are out" Coop: "We'll just put 'em back in again".

Favorite Scene: Spoon and one of the werewolves have a Rocky/Apollo Creed moment in the kitchen...Spoon does pretty well, but get absolutely DESTROYED in the end.


So it's werewolf week on Chiller, which means lycanthropes and humans battling it out to see who's the dominant species. Amazingly enough, every werewolf movie I've ever seen has the humans claiming victory...just once, I'd like to see the werewolves win. It's the Alien vs. Predator syndrome: I anticipated that movie's release for MONTHS, because I finally thought that the humans were gonna get it...only to be more disappointed in it than I was in Spaceballs (I actually walked out of the theater during Spaceballs). Why is it that humans have to prevail at the end of all these horror movies? Be it werewolves, zombies, vampires, or fog...the humans (who are typically really stupid humans, to boot) always come out on top; with the exception of Final Destination 3...evidently death was tired of that movie series as well...because everybody bought it in that one...and even then, they made a Final Destination 4, to punish us. But as a wise man once said, there's never been a good episode four. Unless you count Star Wars, where Lucas started with episode four...but then he ruined it with episode one...I didn't need to see Anakin Skywalker as a precocious six-year-old...it somehow cheapened the pure evil that was Darth Vader.

But I digress.

I have to admit, I've never been a huge fan of werewolf movies; in fact, as I write this, The Howling with the ever-talented Dee Wallace Stone (remember her from E.T. and Cujo? Of course you don't) followed up by The Howling II, Your Sister's a Werewolf, is showing...quite the double bill of excrement, don't you think? But be that as it may, Dog Soldiers was probably the best bad movie I've seen in a long while (Starship Troopers is still my favorite bad movie...who could forget the line, "You kill bugs good"). It's a British-made film, which is proof that all you need is a charming accent, and you can suck at acting all you want...we'll excuse it. The trailer hails it as "One of the most explosive, brutal and purely enjoyable horror debuts since the Evil Dead". Well, yeah...even though The Evil Dead was zombie movie gold, and Bruce Campbell carried the whole movie on his back, overall it still stunk. The trailer also calls Dog Soldiers "Jaws, Aliens & Predator with a werewolf twist". Maybe Aliens & Predator, because there are military members in it...but Jaws not so much...and why does everybody tout Jaws as the end-all, be-all of horror movies? It scared me when I was six...I watched it when I was 36, and laughed at it...the special effects are HORRIBLE.

But I digress yet again.

Like I said, Dog Soldiers isn't half bad; there are some truly exceptional (albeit unbelievable) explosions (unbelievable because somebody survives the main house explosion by hiding in the crawl space...watch the trailer, you'll see what I mean); there's a hot Scottish/Irish/British chick (her accent changes) in a semi-see thru wife beater, and a horrendous but hilarious "put up your dukes" fight scene between one of the soldiers and a werewolf (he literally does the put up your dukes pose, it's priceless). The violence is gratuitous...in fact, Sarge (played by Sean Pertwee...right, that Sean Pertwee) even says "I expect nothing but gratuitous violence from the lot of you", and that's just for a training exercise. Some of the most notable violent scenes are when one of the soldiers is running from the werewolves, and as he looks back, impails himself on a tree limb...and he must have been busting it Jesse Owens style, 'cuz that limb goes ALL the way through and like two feet out the back of him...awesome. There's a pretty gruesome beheading/head tossing combo that's deliciously gross. Coop uses a Braveheart sword to cut of a werewolves arm...pretty awesome. But my favorite is when Sarge gets gutted--his guts are literally out of his body--and not only does he get up and keep going, he runs...those Brit soldiers are tough as nails, I tell ya.

Like I said, the acting is pretty bad, but there's a dynamic among the players that is strangely compelling. And in true British fashion, they put the kettle on for tea...after the werewolves eat the front of a Land Rover.

The premise is predictable...werewolves attack people, people fight back, sole survivor rises victorious. If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. This one at least tries to be different by adding the element of trained fighters to the mix..even though they would have all been "killed" during their exercise, due to the fact that--as they were under strict radio silence, mind you--they had a campfire going, smoking & joking, telling scary ghost stories. None of my platoon sergeants would have put up with that shit. Once they get attacked by the werewolves, all hell breaks loose, and they amazingly enough stumble upon a chick in a Land Rover who takes them to the "only farmhouse for 300 miles other than mine, and I'm not home". Once they get to the farmhouse, they're puzzled by the fact that the fire's going in the fireplace and the stew's on the stove. But where are the people? Hmm. Well, let's just break down the door and commandeer this place, in the name of the Queen, amen.

There's a LOT of shooting, but amazingly enough, these aren't Hollywood guns...these guns run out of ammo eventually...kind of a realistic plot setting in my opinion. But of course, these are lycans, remember...only SILVER bullets can kill them...they kinda know this, but the bullets do seem to hold the wolves off a little...so have at it. Two of the guys, including Sarge, are only injured, so of course they start to turn (pre-dict-a-BULL!). And as they're picked off one by one, you start to get that "maybe this is it...the one where no humans survive" feeling. And you would almost be right.

Turns out, the people who live in the farmhouse ARE the werewolves, and the hot Scotch/Irish/Brit chick (her accent changes, remember?) reveals that she, too is a lycan, and she's picked Cooper to be her mate, because after all, "It's that time of the month". She tells Coop, "Being nice to women will get you nowhere--being nice to me will get you killed. You may think we're all bitches, but I'm the real thing." ...whaaaat? Sarge says, "It all makes sense now, we ate their porridge, we slept in their beds...they're pissed." Ummm...Sarge...I think those were bears in that story, but you're on a roll...and you're British and I like your accent, so go 'head. Anyway, Megan (played by Emma Cleasby, who was born in England, which is probably why her accent keeps changing) turns, and all of a sudden, it's just Coop and Sarge against the werewolves...but Sarge is turning as well, remember? There's alot of running around, frantic camera work to imply panic, and a very emotional "I love you, man" scene between Coop and Sarge when Sarge forces Coop into the crawl space to get away from the impending explosion, which Sarge achieves by cutting the gas line (don't worry...no continuity error here...their gas is supplied by propane tanks) and hitting the stove ignitor. Watch the trailer, 'cuz that house explodes like a mofo...it's a good one. But like I said earlier, Coop, Sam the dog, and one werewolf miraculously survive the blast, and Coop wrestles with the lycan a little before finding a--you guessed it--silver letter opener to stab the big, bad wolf with. Game over, run credits.

But wait...where did the letter opener come from, you ask? It came from the completely unecessary opening scene, where this couple is camping, and the chick gives the guy the letter opener as a congratulatory gift (he got a promotion), then they get mauled by the werewolves, who evidently are kleptomaniacs in addition to the bloodthirsty murderer thing.

Two things to note: one of the soldiers complains throughout the movie that he's missing a soccer match, and Megan keeps flashing the werewolves with a camera, which seems weird until it's revealed that she's one herself...so that's why she won't shoot the werewolves, not because she's a zoologist! During the credits, the photos she clumsily took are showcased...and they're AMAZING! Such graphic captures of the violence that took place that fateful evening; and then, at the very end, today's newspaper with the huge headline: some soccer team beats some other soccer team (can you say ironic?), and the byline: A pic of Coop with the caption underneath: "Werewolves ate my platoon". Ha!

Like I said, overall this isn't that bad of a flick...the character dynamic is oddly compelling, there's that ever-present dry British wit, even with the prospect of being eaten by mythological monsters; those groovy explosions, and a couple of really corny lines that will make you laugh out loud.

My advice: intoxicate yourself, pop some kettle corn, settle in and, why the hell not? See this one.

Nighty-night...maybe I'll watch The Howling II, Your Sister's a Werewolf afterall.

Dinoshark (2010)

Favorite Line: "Is your dinoshark running weed, too?"

Favorite Scene: Dinoshark jumps out of the water and eats a helicopter...that's flying.

I'm not even sure where to start ranking on this movie. It's basically a playground full of nobodies; Roger Corman was really the only name that I recognized AT ALL...he plays a marine biologist, and is also the executive producer...look up his production resume...it's basically just decades worth of crap; directed by Kevin O'Neill, who also directed Dinocroc (can't wait to see THAT one). O'Neill's special effects resume, on the other hand, is actually pretty impressive, including Bram Stoker's Dracula, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Blade, to name a few. As a director, though...he sucks. The actors are a gaggle of t.v. extras who seemed to have won a crappy movie lottery...there's one guy, he plays the bartender who evidently has guerrilla connections (they need explosives to try to kill Dinoshark, and Luis can get 'em), and this is realistically his first english speaking movie...it's almost like he was really the bartender in the town where they shot the movie, and Roger and the gang said "Hey...wanna be in a movie?" But for real...there is NOBODY in this flick that's even semi recognizable...it's almost not even worth the review; it was definitely not worth watching.

I could realistically sum this movie up like this: Melting glacier releases prehistoric shark into ocean near Alaska, shark swims down to Mexico, eats a bunch of people, hot chick kills shark.

That is really the whole movie...the plot has no real twists or turns...oh, it tries to turn, but the steering must have been broken or something, because it stays on its boring course the entire length of the film. Here's a couple of examples of how the geniuses behind this piece of crap try to twist things: the female protagonist, Carol (played by Croatian born Iva Hasperger, who's accent fades in and out throughout the entire film) is doing some internet research to figure out just what kind of scary creature they're all dealing with, and when she's done, stands up & strips off her shirt to reveal her miracle bra...I actually had to rewind it and call my girlfriend into the room to prove to myself that I really saw what I thought I saw...a total WTF moment. There's also some flimsy side premise of an all-girl water polo match that is moved from the local university's pool to the marina...because it's "better P.R.".

It's a total Jaws ripoff...but like, from an alternate universe where...shit, I don't even know what happens there. Dinoshark's second victim is some girl who decides to take a swim all by her lonesome...and I'll be damned if it's not almost exact to Jaws's first victim. Even the music is reminescent of Jaws...it's like enough already.

The male protagonist, Trace (played by Eric Balfour--another comatose resume, and resembles the Mexican Vanilla Ice) has some of the worst lines I've ever heard...EVER. Mind you, he's a charter boat captain, and he lays down this gem: "Just keep the boat pointed right". Now I know nautical terms are cliche, but come on...at least try. Throw a "starboard" in there somewhere. He's also the proud utterer of "that was the first time I tasted food made with love". Really? He lays a line on Carol about going to the Naval Academy to please his daddy, then washing out. And then there's the story about being chased by pirates in--where else?--the Carribean; but he battled them, and they left...riiight. Trace isn't the only one who says corny shit, Roger Corman tells a Mariachi band that their music is awesome, "but could you keep it down a little?" No Roger, they can't...their instruments aren't amplified, you moron...coincidentally, Roger was born in Detroit in 1926, looks like Detroit schools have ALWAYS sucked. Carol gets one of the best lines of the movie though, when she says "Welcome to the endangered species list, you bastard". It's a DINOSHARK, Carol...when you kill it...it's extinct...or is it?

Other than a couple of cool surfing scenes and beautiful Mexican landscaping, this movie has zero endearing qualities. At least the other movies I've reviewed to date at least had some semblance of plot, character establishment, and effort...this movie just falls flat on it's face across the board. There are recycled scenes, really sloppy edits, bad camera work--both shots and composition--no gratuitous nudity because it's a Sci-Fi channel original, and the acting, my god...it's absolutely atrocious. It's as if a retarded squirrel did the research, then handed it off to a mop to write it.

Dinoshark is retarded, too. It eats two boats, a helicopter, a jet skiier & a parasailor...but only half of its second victim, Rita...guess Mexican just doesn't agree with its touchy prehistoric stomach.

And just when you think it just can't get any worse, the ending hits you: Dr. Reeve finds out through his DNA research that dinoshark is covered with armor, and it's only weakness is its eyes...not its eyes and its mouth...just the eyes. Well, Trace, Carol and Luis take the explosives that Luis picked up and go a'shark huntin'. The climactic scene is when Trace (speeding directly toward dinoshark on the vacant Sea Doo) jumps up in the air, and throws a grenade (the pineapple kind) directly at dinoshark's eye (who's also jumping toward Trace). Nevermind the fact that Trace is riding a Sea Doo that lost its rider, therefore losing the pop-out key that you attach to your life jacket, therefore rendering the Sea Doo USELESS. He doesn't throw the grenade down dinoshark's gaping mouth, which, one would think, would make the damn thing just blow the hell up...NOOO...again, he aims for the eye (remember, it's the shark's only weak spot), and only stuns it. What finally kills dinoshark, you ask? Carol, on the bow of a speedboat, with (get this) a speargun. Dinoshark survives explosives, thousands of bullets, and indigestion from eating Rita, only to be killed by a speargun. Peter Benchley literally rolled over in his grave when that happened...in fact, I'm glad he's not alive to see the dark place that shark movies have gone.

I don't get it...why are people so infatuated with sharks? Why does Sci-Fi keep churning out this excrement, and more importantly, why the hell did I watch it? The last one's easy, I watched it so you don't have to.

I'm going to bed...see you in a couple of days.

P.S.: Click the movie title above to see the trailer.

Mortuary (2005)

Favorite Line: "Together we can stop graveyard babies"

Favorite Scene: One of Jonathan's friends wants to see the dead bodies in the embalming room, one of which turns out to be that friend's piano teacher; "I have a lesson with him tomorrow", she says. Not anymore, bitch.

This whole thing started, realistically one night when I was flipping through channels and absolutely nothing was grabbing me...you know the feeling, you've been through the channel guide 3 times, and it's like some sort of a conspiracy against you personally...nothing but reruns of crappy talk shows from earlier in the day, infomercials and reality T.V. And then, almost magically...a shitty horror movie rears it's ugly head...sometimes you get lucky, and there's actually a well-known star--that you like--in it that brings an element of sanity to balance out the excrement that is the acting from the other players in the film. Like Betty White in Lake Placid, even though there were quite a few well-known actors in that one, everybody but Betty forgot how to act...except maybe Oliver Platt...he sucks, but he's charming, so he's excused. So that's how it started for me, sitting in the dark of the living room, unable to sleep, watching a movie called "Baghead", which I'll review at a later date, because, holy shit that one sucks on a level that's almost paranormal. The seed was planted with that one...and I discovered that two separate channels on my cable provider offer a nearly never-ending library of garbage...now I find myself seeking them out. The movies are mostly sci-fi and horror, and the common thread among them seems to be haste...kind of a "let's shoot this fucker before the money runs out mentality", with stars that can't even see the "D" list from where they're standing...they're either on their way out, or on their way in.

That was the case with Mortuary, which actually has a few ties to Hollywood semi-nobility. It was directed by Tobe Hooper, who also directed Poltergeist, Salem's Lot, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, not too shabby of a resume, relatively speaking. Watching this movie though, made me wonder if Tobe owed somebody a favor, kind of like Paul Verhoeven going from Basic Instinct to Showgirls. Two notable actors are in it as well, Denise Crosby, who was Lt. Yar on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Lee Garlington, who is probably best known as the "Nazi cow" in Field of Dreams who wanted to ban books. Everybody else is pretty much a nobody, including an EXTREMELY annoying Stephanie Patton, who plays the main character's little sister, Jamie.

I actually thought it was a Verhoeven film, because in the first scene, Denise Crosby and her two kids are let into the mortuary she inherited by Greg Travis, who was in both Showgirls and Starship Troopers, both of which are Verhoeven abortions...and anybody who watches as much t.v. as I do knows that actors, writers and directors work together repetitively. I was actually shocked to find out that Tobe Hooper did this flick, like I stated above, he's done some decent work in the past.

So there's the premise, single mom with two kids inherits a REALLY rundown mortuary that looks like it should have been not only condemned but demolished years ago, with what they all assume to be septic overflow on the lawn, and the obligatory attached graveyard, complete with mausoleum filled with caskets from the mid- to late 1800's (in near pristine state, mind you...probably rented by the hour from the local mortician) and a secret room with a uniquely shaped keyhole that amazingly enough matches one of a set of keys that mom found in the embalming room. Evil ensues.

Upon closer inspection of the rest of the house, the teenage son, Jonathan (played by Dan Byrd, currently in the series Cougartown with Courtney Cox) discovers a small, cell-like room complete with...you got it...bars on the window. At this scene, I looked at my girlfriend Kim, and said, "hey mom, can I have this room?". Guess what happens next? Bingo! Jonathan inherits that cozy little shithole, just like it was supposed to happen that way (has Tobe Hooper gone senile?). Jonathan also notices a name carved into the windowsill (the windows overlook the graveyard, just as an FYI): Bobby F.

Bobby F is Bobby Fowler, horribly disfigured son of the former owners, who is as legendary in this movie's one-horse town as Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. Evidently, Bobby was born with a cleft palate and lip, and was beaten mercilessly by his parents until he went missing when he was ten. Eight years later, his parents were brutally murdered in the mortuary, and as Aunt Rita (Lee Garlington) keeps saying "You know Bobby Fowler's still alive; I see him out back stealing food from the dumpsters...he's partial to the banana creme pie"...but Aunt Rita is also somewhat of a hippie relic, with a self-professed "memory for shit" due to her liberal drug usage in the 60's...it wouldn't be a shitty horror movie without a few corny stereotypes, now would it?

Right away, you know something's wrong...especially when mom cuts her hand & bleeds on the embalming room floor, and some weird root-type thing crawls out of the floor drain and soaks up the blood...more on that in a minute. Jonathan chastises his mom for letting his younger sibling help with the cleaning of the embalming room, where they also find a ton of rock salt and an ice cream churn (remember the salt, it becomes important later on). Jonathan is also the first to notice someone--or something--stalking around in the graveyard while he's out having a clandestine smoke on the front porch.

From that point on, it's basically chaos...almost like everybody on the crew was working on a different movie at the same time...the characters are played clumsily, the storyline is muddy and contrived, of course there's the obligatory gore, violence, nudity and teenage angst. Amazingly enough, it's still a relatively entertaining film, with just enough camp to make you laugh through the really bad parts.

Once the characters, the legend, and the sheriff's desire to "end graveyard babies" is established, it's time for the plot to thicken. Unfortunately, the plot is about as thick as onion skin. The creepy, root thingy that came out of the drain is some sort of evil that emanates from an underground well that one can only assume comes from hell itself. It invades the dead, who attack mom, the sheriff, a couple of teenagers and a few others that are never really explained, puking black tar-like shit directly in their victims mouths...and all of a sudden, we have a psuedo-zombie movie. Mom serves gross black soup to her kids and some of Jonathan's friends, and forces everybody to be thankful for something...all the while exhibiting very rude behavior. In fact, rudeness seems to be the common thread among the zombie-ish...and they all end up around the well to hell with noneother than Bobby Fowler (Aunt Rita was right) holding Jamie over the well to "feed it...do it now!", as they scream at each other about giving thanks, ending graveyard babies and "shut up, punk!"...very convoluted.

And then, the rock salt melts one of the zombie-people-things, and the lightbulb goes on. The "living" grab all the rock salt they can and begin the onslaught...throwing salt on mom, the sheriff, and ultimately, into the well to hell. It works, they all melt, and the survivors can breathe a sigh of relief out on the front lawn (mom threw a few patches of sod down to give the place curb appeal). It's finally over, exhausted, they collapse. But it's not really over...somehow mom didn't really melt away to salty nothingness; she comes out & grabs Jamie, takes her off screen, and Jonathan (who's lying on the sod) is grabbed by the evil black fluid and sucked into the ground...cue death metal music and end credits.

The movie sucks. But it has a few endearing elements: Dan Byrd is actually a halfway decent actor, who is obviously paying his Hollywood dues; like I stated before, there's some comic relief, almost like the writer knew the movie was shit, so decided to wink at the viewer a few times as if to say, "yeah, it's shit & it only took me two hours to write, but enjoy it anyway"; there's one scene where Jonathan and Rita's neice are talking about the mortuary and dead bodies, and an extra who's sitting at the counter of the diner Rita owns subtly pushes his plate away in quiet disgust; and a scene where Jonathan and his friends are smoking weed...the joint is actually fuzzed out...like they do for nudity, you know? Hilarious.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the trailer: Mortuary

The Bad Movie 411 Guy
badmovie411guy@gmail.com

Grizzly Park (2008)

Favorite line: (rich fratboy to kid with swastika, white power and Nazi SS tattoos) "Hey, are you like, a white supremacist or something?"

Favorite scene: Big scary bear swats chick's boob, completely ripping it off...boob explodes, sending implant flying...implant explodes on a tree, then drips down the tree in slow motion...cinematic genius.

I chose this one as my first review because it was just soooo bad. If this is any indication, the tagline for the movie is "Eight troubled young people. Six days community service. It's gonna be a bear." (courtesy IMDB.com)

The premise is extremely flimzy, as with most of these flicks: Eight people are stalked by a rogue grizzly bear AND--get this--a serial killer! Enough said.

It was a crapfest out of the chute, eight kids who commited "misdemeaners", including prostitution, date rape, and impersonating a police officer...I want to meet the legal Einstein who can plead that shit down, he'she would come in handy in a pinch. These kids are given community service that entails cleaning up the trails of a state park that are conveniently located two day's hike into the woods. They are driven up to the rendezvous point in a D.O.C. van driven by the serial killer who has a gigantic blood stain ALL OVER the front of his shirt...'cuz he stabbed the real D.O.C. officer. When Ranger Bob (played by Glenn Morshower) sees the stain, he asks Jerry the serial killer, "What's that stain?", to which Jerry replies with some bullshit about it being a jelly stain from a doughnut, or something equally ridiculous...Ranger Bob, how could you not know that's blood?? Fasten your seatbelts and put your trays in their upright positions, it gets worse from there.

Ranger Bob gives them some sage wilderness advice (don't feed the animals, stay on the trail, etc.), then asks them to introduce themselves...I'll spare you the ignorance that comes from that...but suffice it to say, all eight of them are really stupid people. Just as a side note, most of these movies are usually written, directed, produced & sometimes acted by the same person, which is a delicious recipe for shit...Ed Wood tried to do this in the '50s...it's Orson Wells Syndrome, and for some reason, it's rampant in this particular genre.

The hike up to base camp is semi-uneventful; one of the girls (who's borderline retarded) has to excuse herself to pee, and befriends a skunk by saying, suprisingly enough, "here kitty kitty", and feeding it some energy bar. "Kitty" of course follows her back to where the others are, and sprays the entire group, save good 'ole Ranger Bob, the voice of reason, who asks the really dumb girl, named Bebe (played by Emily Foxler), "Didn't I tell you not to feed any of the animals you encounter?", to which she replies, "I thought it was a forest cat." It's at this point that you really realize that you are watching a truly shitty movie. As they reach their first night's sleep spot, one of the other campers tells Ranger Bob that there's a quicker, easier route to base camp according to his GPS system (he's a computer hacking identity thief, but still stupid). Ranger Bob is adamant that they stay on the trail, 'cuz of "all the wolves spotted in these parts lately". More on GPS boy in a minute.

Meanwhile, Jerry the serial killer is packing up some kind of golf cart on steroids with all the provisions for base camp, when the other ranger, Ranger Mike sees Jerry's knife (also stained with blood) and says, "Nice knife, that'll come in handy around here". C'mon Ranger Mike, really? By the way, I'm not just calling them Ranger Bob and Ranger Mike for shits 'n giggles... that's how they refer to themselves! ,Jerry ultimately stabs Ranger Mike, goes up to base camp, smashes the C.B. radio, gets stalked and killed by the bear and is really a non-threat in the film...I expected more...like Jerry and the bear were in cohoots or something...very disappointing.

Day two starts with GPS boy and one of the girls deciding to follow the "quicker, easier" trail. They (amazingly enough) get lost, GPS boy gets his leg caught in a wolf trap, ends up hanging by his ankle from a tree, bleeding out, when lo and behold, a wolf appears. The girl he's with...get this...SWINGS him toward the wolf and runs away...but of course, the wolf (played by a husky with gel in his fur to make him look "wild") catches her, and eats her...feet first. Now, I've watched a lot of documentaries on wolves, and it's common knowledge that canines go for the jugular to kill, then just eat indiscriminately...either the director forgot to do his research, or the wolf just wanted to see the look on the girl's face when he ate her feet first...we'll never know.

Once at basecamp, hijinks ensue. There's a latina gang-banger who smuggled a pistol on the trip to kill "Scab" the white supremicist, and decides to make that particular move while Ranger Bob is looking for GPS boy and wolf girl, and Scab is huffing gasoline...she uses her feminine wiles to seduce him...but Scab (even though he's high as Mt. St. Helen's on gas fumes) doesn't fall for it, and grabs her gun...they kiss, she grabs the gun back, throws it on the ground...and all of a sudden, they're in love.

Ranger Bob decides that since Jerry the serial killer isn't there to counsel them (remember, he's supposed to be a D.O.C. officer), that he'll do it...you know, 'cuz he's qualified n shit. So he asks for a volunteer, and the prostitute makes a rude comment...coincidentally, her file is on top, so Ranger Bob decides to start with her. Her story is that she commands $5K a night (whatEVER) because she has expensive taste, because "I'm not gonna wait around for daddy to buy me Prada". The rich fratboy put a 15 year old girl in a coma durning strangulation sex & has no remorse because "it's not like I have feelings for her or anything" and it was "the best sex I ever had".

Well...the bear starts killing people, picking them off one by one, starting with the kid who impersonated a cop, who...get this...is wearing a bear costume to scare the girls so they'll come running into the boy's cabin. The kill is actually fantastic, the bear rips the top part of this kid's head off...leaving the bottom part of his jaw agape and his tongue flailing about...very graphic, but hilarious at the same time.

The violence is, of course, gratuitous...as is the nudity. At one point you start to wonder why on earth this bear is so pissed off at community service providers. Toward the end, frat boy, Bebe and over-priced prostitute girl are holed up in a rickety shed. Frat boy gets pulled out of the window by the bear...the girls grab his arms to pull him back in...and his arms get ripped from their sockets...very realistic. As the arms are lying there, bleeding on the ground, Bebe asks prostitute girls what time it is, which you think is a completely irrelevant question, until prostitute girl actually grabs frat boy's Rolex off his severed arm...cinematic orgasm.

Now mind you...Ranger Bob is gone while all the killings are going on...they started the day after the round robin counseling...and when he comes back, he finds the only survivor--Bebe--blockaded in a cabin...she's distraught, because remember she's really stupid, and all her counterparts are dead. Ranger Bob tells her to pack her shit, they're leaving. She obeys, and while she's packing, she makes a call on her cell...which is amazing, since there's NO CELL SERVICE in the area...a fact they make abundantly clear early on in the movie. Maybe it's a sattelite phone...we'll never know. Regardless, it turns out that she's not really stupid...she's just been playing dumb...but for reasons never really clarified specifically. Ranger Bob overhears her conversation, and sneaks away off screen for a while. Bebe comes out of her cabin, turns a corner...and THERE'S THE BEAR!! This is where my favorite scene happens...her implant just EXPLODES on that tree (a maple, I think)...and now it's just Ranger Bob.

Flip to civilization...there's a bunch of reporters and cops at the place where the kids got on the van...and the assumption is that Jerry the serial killer is responsible for all the deaths, and is still at large.

Ready for the twist? Last scene...Ranger Bob petting the bear, looking directly at the screen. "You think it's wrong what I did?" he asks..."See you next year"...cue dramatic music, end credits.

Some people would say, "Well, there's two hours of my life I'll never get back", but I really enjoyed the campiness, the bad dialog, and the fact that they spent most of their budget on what turned out to be some pretty impressive special effects. I'm not telling you to see this movie, because holy shit does it suck...but if you ever find yourself flipping through channels and you see it...DVR it, watch it when you stoned or bored to death...you will be entertained.

Don't take my word for it...watch the trailer

Thanks for reading...let the journey continue.

The Bad Movie 411 Guy.