Dinoshark (2010)

Favorite Line: "Is your dinoshark running weed, too?"

Favorite Scene: Dinoshark jumps out of the water and eats a helicopter...that's flying.

I'm not even sure where to start ranking on this movie. It's basically a playground full of nobodies; Roger Corman was really the only name that I recognized AT ALL...he plays a marine biologist, and is also the executive producer...look up his production resume...it's basically just decades worth of crap; directed by Kevin O'Neill, who also directed Dinocroc (can't wait to see THAT one). O'Neill's special effects resume, on the other hand, is actually pretty impressive, including Bram Stoker's Dracula, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Blade, to name a few. As a director, though...he sucks. The actors are a gaggle of t.v. extras who seemed to have won a crappy movie lottery...there's one guy, he plays the bartender who evidently has guerrilla connections (they need explosives to try to kill Dinoshark, and Luis can get 'em), and this is realistically his first english speaking movie...it's almost like he was really the bartender in the town where they shot the movie, and Roger and the gang said "Hey...wanna be in a movie?" But for real...there is NOBODY in this flick that's even semi recognizable...it's almost not even worth the review; it was definitely not worth watching.

I could realistically sum this movie up like this: Melting glacier releases prehistoric shark into ocean near Alaska, shark swims down to Mexico, eats a bunch of people, hot chick kills shark.

That is really the whole movie...the plot has no real twists or turns...oh, it tries to turn, but the steering must have been broken or something, because it stays on its boring course the entire length of the film. Here's a couple of examples of how the geniuses behind this piece of crap try to twist things: the female protagonist, Carol (played by Croatian born Iva Hasperger, who's accent fades in and out throughout the entire film) is doing some internet research to figure out just what kind of scary creature they're all dealing with, and when she's done, stands up & strips off her shirt to reveal her miracle bra...I actually had to rewind it and call my girlfriend into the room to prove to myself that I really saw what I thought I saw...a total WTF moment. There's also some flimsy side premise of an all-girl water polo match that is moved from the local university's pool to the marina...because it's "better P.R.".

It's a total Jaws ripoff...but like, from an alternate universe where...shit, I don't even know what happens there. Dinoshark's second victim is some girl who decides to take a swim all by her lonesome...and I'll be damned if it's not almost exact to Jaws's first victim. Even the music is reminescent of Jaws...it's like enough already.

The male protagonist, Trace (played by Eric Balfour--another comatose resume, and resembles the Mexican Vanilla Ice) has some of the worst lines I've ever heard...EVER. Mind you, he's a charter boat captain, and he lays down this gem: "Just keep the boat pointed right". Now I know nautical terms are cliche, but come on...at least try. Throw a "starboard" in there somewhere. He's also the proud utterer of "that was the first time I tasted food made with love". Really? He lays a line on Carol about going to the Naval Academy to please his daddy, then washing out. And then there's the story about being chased by pirates in--where else?--the Carribean; but he battled them, and they left...riiight. Trace isn't the only one who says corny shit, Roger Corman tells a Mariachi band that their music is awesome, "but could you keep it down a little?" No Roger, they can't...their instruments aren't amplified, you moron...coincidentally, Roger was born in Detroit in 1926, looks like Detroit schools have ALWAYS sucked. Carol gets one of the best lines of the movie though, when she says "Welcome to the endangered species list, you bastard". It's a DINOSHARK, Carol...when you kill it...it's extinct...or is it?

Other than a couple of cool surfing scenes and beautiful Mexican landscaping, this movie has zero endearing qualities. At least the other movies I've reviewed to date at least had some semblance of plot, character establishment, and effort...this movie just falls flat on it's face across the board. There are recycled scenes, really sloppy edits, bad camera work--both shots and composition--no gratuitous nudity because it's a Sci-Fi channel original, and the acting, my god...it's absolutely atrocious. It's as if a retarded squirrel did the research, then handed it off to a mop to write it.

Dinoshark is retarded, too. It eats two boats, a helicopter, a jet skiier & a parasailor...but only half of its second victim, Rita...guess Mexican just doesn't agree with its touchy prehistoric stomach.

And just when you think it just can't get any worse, the ending hits you: Dr. Reeve finds out through his DNA research that dinoshark is covered with armor, and it's only weakness is its eyes...not its eyes and its mouth...just the eyes. Well, Trace, Carol and Luis take the explosives that Luis picked up and go a'shark huntin'. The climactic scene is when Trace (speeding directly toward dinoshark on the vacant Sea Doo) jumps up in the air, and throws a grenade (the pineapple kind) directly at dinoshark's eye (who's also jumping toward Trace). Nevermind the fact that Trace is riding a Sea Doo that lost its rider, therefore losing the pop-out key that you attach to your life jacket, therefore rendering the Sea Doo USELESS. He doesn't throw the grenade down dinoshark's gaping mouth, which, one would think, would make the damn thing just blow the hell up...NOOO...again, he aims for the eye (remember, it's the shark's only weak spot), and only stuns it. What finally kills dinoshark, you ask? Carol, on the bow of a speedboat, with (get this) a speargun. Dinoshark survives explosives, thousands of bullets, and indigestion from eating Rita, only to be killed by a speargun. Peter Benchley literally rolled over in his grave when that happened...in fact, I'm glad he's not alive to see the dark place that shark movies have gone.

I don't get it...why are people so infatuated with sharks? Why does Sci-Fi keep churning out this excrement, and more importantly, why the hell did I watch it? The last one's easy, I watched it so you don't have to.

I'm going to bed...see you in a couple of days.

P.S.: Click the movie title above to see the trailer.