Ogre (2008)

Director: Stephen R. Monroe
Written by: Chuck Reeves
Starring: John Schneider (he was Bo Duke), Ryan Kennedy, Katharine Isabelle, and again, a whole lotta nobody.

Remember John Schneider? He reached the zenith of fame as Bo Duke on the Dukes of Hazzard, a show that was pretty highly rated back in the 70s...I, for one, never missed an episode. Unfortunately, John peaked back then, and has been on a downward spiral of mediocrity ever since. Enter today's victim film, Ogre (yet another Syfy original). Although John's career is in the toilet, I have to say he's aging well and really seemed to be enjoying this particular role. He plays a magi turned Magistrate in 1859 Pennsylvania, where for some reason, the men in the town are still referred to as "Sir" & "Lord". I wasn't aware royalty was recognised in the U.S. in the mid 19th century, but oh well...it's the writer's first movie--ever.

This movie was bad even for Syfy original standards. It's a sloppy The Village meets Blair Witch Project debacle. In a small Pennsylvania town in 1859, villagers are succumbing to some sort of strange disease; the only symptom evidently being angry looking blisters on the palms of their hands. Sounds like syphilis to me. The disease is never given a name or revealed, but it's serious enough for John Schneider to conjure up an idea to save the village: they have to make yearly sacrifices to "the Ogre", which is a manifestation of their disease and all their sins. A myopic two year old could see the underlying M.O. on this one; Schneider is using the Ogre to keep the villagers scared, and him in control...boooring.

Fast forward to "Present Day". Four retards wandering around in the Pennsylvania wilderness looking for the same legendary village that started the annual Ogre feedings. One of them, Terry (Kyle Labine) is SUPER excited, and has a map to prove it. His three friends (who aren't all that impressed about being out in the woods), are reluctantly indulging his obvious obsession, but of course reserving the right to fuck with him about it the whole way. When a path appears out of nowhere, Terry goes apeshit, and starts running in the direction he assumes the village to be in, and trips over a HUGE tree, breaking his widdle pussy ankle. Mike (Ryan Kennedy) and Jessica (Katherine Isabelle) decide to go for help, and leave Terry and Leah (Kimberly Warnat) to "set up camp". Bad, bad idea. While Mike and Jessica are gone, Terry finds the doors that lead to the Ogre's lair, which look like the double doors that lead to a tornado shelter, only bigger (amazingly enough, there's no overgrowth on the doors, they look just like they did back in 1859). Terry is now damn near frantic with excitement, 'cuz holy shit, this could be the proof they've been looking for! He goes over to the doors...pries them open (while hobbling around on his good foot), and PROMPTLY gets eaten by our friend the Ogre. Leah of course freaks out, and runs like hell...but the Ogre is as determined as a zombie, and it's buh-bye Leah.

Meanwhile, Mike and Jessica find a "Do Not Enter" "Village Closed" sign along the path, stumble upon the village they've been looking for, and--you guessed it--everybody (except the ones eaten by the Ogre over the years) is still alive. As Mike and Jessica peek into the town hall meeting, the villagers are having a meeting to see who the "chosen one" is gonna be this year. Except now, 149 years later, people are starting to grumble a bit...but John Schneider and his magical orb on a stick put them in their place by choosing poor Stephen Chandler (Brendan Fletcher), zapping his hand and branding him with a pentagram inside a circle. Mike and Jessica are discovered, and thrown into jail with Stephen.

The village elders choose one guy to be the bad guy and go talk to Bo Duke about standing up to the Ogre...because the insanity has to stop. Bo's answer to that, of course is that he has no control over any of it, and to even think such a thing is to tempt the Ogre's wrath (see a little Christian social commentary evolving here?) Schneider concedes that perhaps the answer is to offer up the "outsiders" instead of their own, therefore saving all of them from their impending doom for four years (they don't know that Terry and Leah have already been eaten).

Well, Mike and Jessica escape with the help of John Schneider's daughter Hope (Chelan Simmons), they all head for the woods, but when they get to the "barrier", only Mike and Jessica (being outsiders) are able to cross; John Schneider's spell prohibits the villagers from crossing over without being turned into energy and blowing up. "Go now...and never return" says Hope. Do they listen? Hell no, they hitch hike to the nearest sheriff's station, tell them the completely asinine tale of the village, the Ogre & all that, and when they realize the sheriff doesn't believe any of it, they steal the cop car, get it stuck in the mud, grab the shotgun, head back to the village on foot, and stage a coup against the Ogre.

Okay...lemme catch my breath.

The movie has its moments...there's some good gore; John Schneider is having a blast being an orb-on-a-stick wielding, magic conjuring man witch; a couple of the chicks are hot. The Ogre, on the other hand, is some of the worst CG I've seen since Spiderman, and the acting is over the top. The premise is ridiculously flimsy, and like I said before, a total The Village rip-off.

The end mercilessly comes when Mike, Jessica and the villagers stand up to the Ogre, and Hope figures out her dad's magic (John Schneider is killed by the Ogre while looking for Hope, I guess his contract ran out before the movie wrapped), and she magically pushes the Ogre outside the barrier, where he blows up like Stevie did. The spell is lifted, all the villagers blow up themselves, a touching moment is had between Mike, Jessica and Hope, happy ending, roll credits.

If you don't laugh at this movie, it'll put you in a bad mood for a week, so thank goodness for my reviews, right?

Until next time...here's the trailer.