Directors: Mark James and Phil O'Shea
Writer: Phil O'Shea
Starring: Anna Walton, Morven Macbeth, Jamie King, Kate Sissons & Keith-Lee Castle. I know that lately I've been listing the cast & crew's other works...but this evidently was a Brit-Indie film with a bunch of NObodys working on it.
Favorite line: "Real vampires call it exchanging" (said to a real vampire...the look of "whatever" on her face when this is uttered to her is priceless.
Favorite scene: Chiller fucked up on this one, and showed the vampire chick's vajayjay for about three frames (Chiller's not a premium channel, boys & girls).
So I typically avoid recently made vampire movies. First, after seeing Bram Stoker's Dracula, and watching everybody but Gary Oldman and Tom Waits skunk up the screen and watching in horror as Tom Cruise was cast as 6'2" French aristocrat vampire Lestat (what a crime...what is Tom Cruise, like 4'11"?), I've all but given up hope that traditional vampire movies are ever going to deliver. You know I'm right, especially if you've ever seen Lugosi as Dracula...that man didn't even have to speak...he oozed Dracula. Second, contemporary vampire movies are overtly disrespectful. Other than the first installment of the Blade series and the vampires from the Underworld movies, vampires today get to walk around during the day, fall in love, have sex, etc. When I asked someone why the vampires in the Twilight trailer were walking around during the day, the reply was, "They can go outside on cloudy days." Really?! REALLY?! To all of you Twilight sycophants who overlook that movie's blatant disrespect of vampire movie rules I say, Google solar panels + overcast, and see for yourself how much sunlight really makes it through the clouds. Clouds diffuse sunlight, they don't block it. But this is what I'm talking about...they're making up the rules as they go along...you can't do that.
I know, I know...you're saying, "BM411G, have an open mind! It's a love story." Fuck you and your vampire love story. You might be saying, "But wasn't Dracula in love with Minna?" No...he was in love with his slaughtered wife, and infatuated with the likeness Minna bore to her...but terrorized by the fact that he could never feel corporeal love ever again. He wasn't cavorting around Salem Preparatory School or whatever seducing anorexic coeds. (Yeah, I'll say it: Kristen Stewart is gross, and her best acting role was when she was frozen solid in Zathura). If you wanna make a love story, make a love story...leave the vampires out of it.
So why watch a vampire movie? Simple. Lesbian vampires. Not only for the guy factor of it, but because I wanted to see how the hell they were gonna pull it off.
The movie opens with sloppy video of a bunch of goth kid vampire wannabes hanging around some creepy, aging club DJ (yes, he's the typical douche bag movie DJ). He calls these kids his "kindred", and some of them even have prosthetic fangs. And how come goth kids always want to be vampires? Isn't being an uber-conforming non-conformist enough? Now you have to torque the douche-o-meter up to 11 by filing your eye teeth to points? Have fun when you're 50. Okay...sorry. So the video is being made by a semi-normal misfit named Holly, who's an aspiring film maker. She's decided to follow these "weekend vampires" as she calls them and make a documentary...amazingly entitled, "Weekend Vampires". Creative. Well, the "kindred" like to take advantage of her hospitality, and usually end up partying at her house once the clubs are closed. On this particular night, she notices a girl hanging around that hasn't been there before (her name's Vicki, played by Anna Walton). As she's shooing the kindred out of her flat, Vicki lingers, and Holly decides to go against her rules and let her stay the night. Hence the lesbian vampire scenario.
It's a weak, albeit ambitious premise: Holly and Vicki fall somewhat in love. Vicki reveals the fact that she's a real vampire, has killed a couple of the members of the kindred, and needs to feed not only for herself, but for her vampire fetus (apparently male vampires mate with females by stalking then raping them...romantic, eh?). Vicki is a sad excuse for a vampire: she can see her reflection, she has no supernatural powers, and she kills her victims with a bolt gun...you know, the guns they use to kill cows...because, as she says, "It's painless & more humane that way". Painless my ass...more humane? What do you care? You're a vampire...the very TOP of the supernatural food chain. Holly & Vicki start raiding hospitals for their blood supplies (Vicki makes a nice smoothie with a couple raw eggs, ice and some hot sauce), but that turns out to be a sad surrogate to fresh human blood. Next is transients that they actually pay to let Vicki feed off of, but Vicki takes it too far & Holly tells her that she's gotta stop killing people. Vicki tells her to back off, or she's next. They break up for a bit, the cops are obviously looking for Vicki, but Holly finds her first...very preggo, lurking the streets for victims. She takes her home, cleans her up and starts letting her feed off of her own veins...but that gets old soon, and Holly has to stop, 'cuz she's dying. They have to find food & go on the lamb...the cops are breathing down their throats, remember? So they end up at a friend's beach house (which is the weirdest house I've ever seen), the baby's born, and it comes to a paradoxical ending.
Low points: The goth/vampire clones...too much fishnet & PVC...and they're all relatively attractive, which is annoying since in real life, most of these kids are over- or underweight, acne-riddled misfist who can't get laid (if you live in the Detroit area and wanna see some of them, go to Movement at Hart Plaza over Memorial Day weekend, you'll see a ton of 'em). Victim #2 is shot with the bolt gun, drained of his blood, and miraculously still alive when Vicki and Holly go to dump him in the Thames. All the "real" vampire shit is embarrassingly bad...like I listed above, she's pregnant, has a reflection, etc...it ruins the vampiric image.
High points: Vicki's kinda hot, everybody's got an accent, and there's some halfway decent gore. But that's about all.
The paradoxical ending I was telling you about happens when the police finally take Vicki (who gives Holly the baby, telling her "I'm not really a vampire...vampires don't exist, remember?" Umm...fuck that...I'm not rasing no vampire baby) into custody, and she makes a video diary from prison for her little vampire baby, "Aunt Holly will take care of you, sweetheart...just until mommy gets out". Meanwhile "Aunt" Holly is feeding the baby the only legal way she knows how: by cutting herself to feed the fledgling vampire...and she looks like SHIT...all anemic and whatnot.
Cue shitty, unsigned goth music; end credits.
Shame on me and my male libido for being lured into watching this piece of shit. Lesbian vampires, indeed! I should've known better, but little BM411G did the decision making on this one. The reward was slim...the nudity was there, but fuzzed out; the penalty was another hour of my life lost to a shitty movie.
But hey, that's what I do, right?
Until next time, the question is, do I go back to zombies, or do I break down and go the SyFy original route again? Decisions, decisions.
Happy watching, here's the trailer: Vampire Diary
Maybe you should try and get a real job instead of slagging off other people's hard work. Your own literary talents seem fairly small, your criticism labored and insulting - more of a rant than anything helpful or informed. Perhaps when you are able to write something intelligent, or make any kind of film of your own - then we might be able to take your comments seriously. Vampire Diary actually has won a number of awards due to the performances and unusual style - so some research might be in order. The internet is full of nobodies enjoying the freedom to mouth off about anything they feel like. It is offensive and in the end lowers the tone of culture generally. In the end it adds little that is meaningful or worthwhile. As my mum used to say, if you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't bother saying it.
ReplyDeleteAhhh...the Director of this piece of shit ladies and gentlemen...round of applause? Didn't think so... I applaud bad movie guy 411 for taking this bullet. Plus anonymous from across the pond, your "mum" and her sayings are cliche, boring, and stink of failure...much like this movie and undoubtedly your life.
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