Grizzly Park (2008)

Favorite line: (rich fratboy to kid with swastika, white power and Nazi SS tattoos) "Hey, are you like, a white supremacist or something?"

Favorite scene: Big scary bear swats chick's boob, completely ripping it off...boob explodes, sending implant flying...implant explodes on a tree, then drips down the tree in slow motion...cinematic genius.

I chose this one as my first review because it was just soooo bad. If this is any indication, the tagline for the movie is "Eight troubled young people. Six days community service. It's gonna be a bear." (courtesy IMDB.com)

The premise is extremely flimzy, as with most of these flicks: Eight people are stalked by a rogue grizzly bear AND--get this--a serial killer! Enough said.

It was a crapfest out of the chute, eight kids who commited "misdemeaners", including prostitution, date rape, and impersonating a police officer...I want to meet the legal Einstein who can plead that shit down, he'she would come in handy in a pinch. These kids are given community service that entails cleaning up the trails of a state park that are conveniently located two day's hike into the woods. They are driven up to the rendezvous point in a D.O.C. van driven by the serial killer who has a gigantic blood stain ALL OVER the front of his shirt...'cuz he stabbed the real D.O.C. officer. When Ranger Bob (played by Glenn Morshower) sees the stain, he asks Jerry the serial killer, "What's that stain?", to which Jerry replies with some bullshit about it being a jelly stain from a doughnut, or something equally ridiculous...Ranger Bob, how could you not know that's blood?? Fasten your seatbelts and put your trays in their upright positions, it gets worse from there.

Ranger Bob gives them some sage wilderness advice (don't feed the animals, stay on the trail, etc.), then asks them to introduce themselves...I'll spare you the ignorance that comes from that...but suffice it to say, all eight of them are really stupid people. Just as a side note, most of these movies are usually written, directed, produced & sometimes acted by the same person, which is a delicious recipe for shit...Ed Wood tried to do this in the '50s...it's Orson Wells Syndrome, and for some reason, it's rampant in this particular genre.

The hike up to base camp is semi-uneventful; one of the girls (who's borderline retarded) has to excuse herself to pee, and befriends a skunk by saying, suprisingly enough, "here kitty kitty", and feeding it some energy bar. "Kitty" of course follows her back to where the others are, and sprays the entire group, save good 'ole Ranger Bob, the voice of reason, who asks the really dumb girl, named Bebe (played by Emily Foxler), "Didn't I tell you not to feed any of the animals you encounter?", to which she replies, "I thought it was a forest cat." It's at this point that you really realize that you are watching a truly shitty movie. As they reach their first night's sleep spot, one of the other campers tells Ranger Bob that there's a quicker, easier route to base camp according to his GPS system (he's a computer hacking identity thief, but still stupid). Ranger Bob is adamant that they stay on the trail, 'cuz of "all the wolves spotted in these parts lately". More on GPS boy in a minute.

Meanwhile, Jerry the serial killer is packing up some kind of golf cart on steroids with all the provisions for base camp, when the other ranger, Ranger Mike sees Jerry's knife (also stained with blood) and says, "Nice knife, that'll come in handy around here". C'mon Ranger Mike, really? By the way, I'm not just calling them Ranger Bob and Ranger Mike for shits 'n giggles... that's how they refer to themselves! ,Jerry ultimately stabs Ranger Mike, goes up to base camp, smashes the C.B. radio, gets stalked and killed by the bear and is really a non-threat in the film...I expected more...like Jerry and the bear were in cohoots or something...very disappointing.

Day two starts with GPS boy and one of the girls deciding to follow the "quicker, easier" trail. They (amazingly enough) get lost, GPS boy gets his leg caught in a wolf trap, ends up hanging by his ankle from a tree, bleeding out, when lo and behold, a wolf appears. The girl he's with...get this...SWINGS him toward the wolf and runs away...but of course, the wolf (played by a husky with gel in his fur to make him look "wild") catches her, and eats her...feet first. Now, I've watched a lot of documentaries on wolves, and it's common knowledge that canines go for the jugular to kill, then just eat indiscriminately...either the director forgot to do his research, or the wolf just wanted to see the look on the girl's face when he ate her feet first...we'll never know.

Once at basecamp, hijinks ensue. There's a latina gang-banger who smuggled a pistol on the trip to kill "Scab" the white supremicist, and decides to make that particular move while Ranger Bob is looking for GPS boy and wolf girl, and Scab is huffing gasoline...she uses her feminine wiles to seduce him...but Scab (even though he's high as Mt. St. Helen's on gas fumes) doesn't fall for it, and grabs her gun...they kiss, she grabs the gun back, throws it on the ground...and all of a sudden, they're in love.

Ranger Bob decides that since Jerry the serial killer isn't there to counsel them (remember, he's supposed to be a D.O.C. officer), that he'll do it...you know, 'cuz he's qualified n shit. So he asks for a volunteer, and the prostitute makes a rude comment...coincidentally, her file is on top, so Ranger Bob decides to start with her. Her story is that she commands $5K a night (whatEVER) because she has expensive taste, because "I'm not gonna wait around for daddy to buy me Prada". The rich fratboy put a 15 year old girl in a coma durning strangulation sex & has no remorse because "it's not like I have feelings for her or anything" and it was "the best sex I ever had".

Well...the bear starts killing people, picking them off one by one, starting with the kid who impersonated a cop, who...get this...is wearing a bear costume to scare the girls so they'll come running into the boy's cabin. The kill is actually fantastic, the bear rips the top part of this kid's head off...leaving the bottom part of his jaw agape and his tongue flailing about...very graphic, but hilarious at the same time.

The violence is, of course, gratuitous...as is the nudity. At one point you start to wonder why on earth this bear is so pissed off at community service providers. Toward the end, frat boy, Bebe and over-priced prostitute girl are holed up in a rickety shed. Frat boy gets pulled out of the window by the bear...the girls grab his arms to pull him back in...and his arms get ripped from their sockets...very realistic. As the arms are lying there, bleeding on the ground, Bebe asks prostitute girls what time it is, which you think is a completely irrelevant question, until prostitute girl actually grabs frat boy's Rolex off his severed arm...cinematic orgasm.

Now mind you...Ranger Bob is gone while all the killings are going on...they started the day after the round robin counseling...and when he comes back, he finds the only survivor--Bebe--blockaded in a cabin...she's distraught, because remember she's really stupid, and all her counterparts are dead. Ranger Bob tells her to pack her shit, they're leaving. She obeys, and while she's packing, she makes a call on her cell...which is amazing, since there's NO CELL SERVICE in the area...a fact they make abundantly clear early on in the movie. Maybe it's a sattelite phone...we'll never know. Regardless, it turns out that she's not really stupid...she's just been playing dumb...but for reasons never really clarified specifically. Ranger Bob overhears her conversation, and sneaks away off screen for a while. Bebe comes out of her cabin, turns a corner...and THERE'S THE BEAR!! This is where my favorite scene happens...her implant just EXPLODES on that tree (a maple, I think)...and now it's just Ranger Bob.

Flip to civilization...there's a bunch of reporters and cops at the place where the kids got on the van...and the assumption is that Jerry the serial killer is responsible for all the deaths, and is still at large.

Ready for the twist? Last scene...Ranger Bob petting the bear, looking directly at the screen. "You think it's wrong what I did?" he asks..."See you next year"...cue dramatic music, end credits.

Some people would say, "Well, there's two hours of my life I'll never get back", but I really enjoyed the campiness, the bad dialog, and the fact that they spent most of their budget on what turned out to be some pretty impressive special effects. I'm not telling you to see this movie, because holy shit does it suck...but if you ever find yourself flipping through channels and you see it...DVR it, watch it when you stoned or bored to death...you will be entertained.

Don't take my word for it...watch the trailer

Thanks for reading...let the journey continue.

The Bad Movie 411 Guy.