Dog Soldiers (2002) (click to watch trailer)

Favorite Line: Sarge: "My guts are out" Coop: "We'll just put 'em back in again".

Favorite Scene: Spoon and one of the werewolves have a Rocky/Apollo Creed moment in the kitchen...Spoon does pretty well, but get absolutely DESTROYED in the end.


So it's werewolf week on Chiller, which means lycanthropes and humans battling it out to see who's the dominant species. Amazingly enough, every werewolf movie I've ever seen has the humans claiming victory...just once, I'd like to see the werewolves win. It's the Alien vs. Predator syndrome: I anticipated that movie's release for MONTHS, because I finally thought that the humans were gonna get it...only to be more disappointed in it than I was in Spaceballs (I actually walked out of the theater during Spaceballs). Why is it that humans have to prevail at the end of all these horror movies? Be it werewolves, zombies, vampires, or fog...the humans (who are typically really stupid humans, to boot) always come out on top; with the exception of Final Destination 3...evidently death was tired of that movie series as well...because everybody bought it in that one...and even then, they made a Final Destination 4, to punish us. But as a wise man once said, there's never been a good episode four. Unless you count Star Wars, where Lucas started with episode four...but then he ruined it with episode one...I didn't need to see Anakin Skywalker as a precocious six-year-old...it somehow cheapened the pure evil that was Darth Vader.

But I digress.

I have to admit, I've never been a huge fan of werewolf movies; in fact, as I write this, The Howling with the ever-talented Dee Wallace Stone (remember her from E.T. and Cujo? Of course you don't) followed up by The Howling II, Your Sister's a Werewolf, is showing...quite the double bill of excrement, don't you think? But be that as it may, Dog Soldiers was probably the best bad movie I've seen in a long while (Starship Troopers is still my favorite bad movie...who could forget the line, "You kill bugs good"). It's a British-made film, which is proof that all you need is a charming accent, and you can suck at acting all you want...we'll excuse it. The trailer hails it as "One of the most explosive, brutal and purely enjoyable horror debuts since the Evil Dead". Well, yeah...even though The Evil Dead was zombie movie gold, and Bruce Campbell carried the whole movie on his back, overall it still stunk. The trailer also calls Dog Soldiers "Jaws, Aliens & Predator with a werewolf twist". Maybe Aliens & Predator, because there are military members in it...but Jaws not so much...and why does everybody tout Jaws as the end-all, be-all of horror movies? It scared me when I was six...I watched it when I was 36, and laughed at it...the special effects are HORRIBLE.

But I digress yet again.

Like I said, Dog Soldiers isn't half bad; there are some truly exceptional (albeit unbelievable) explosions (unbelievable because somebody survives the main house explosion by hiding in the crawl space...watch the trailer, you'll see what I mean); there's a hot Scottish/Irish/British chick (her accent changes) in a semi-see thru wife beater, and a horrendous but hilarious "put up your dukes" fight scene between one of the soldiers and a werewolf (he literally does the put up your dukes pose, it's priceless). The violence is gratuitous...in fact, Sarge (played by Sean Pertwee...right, that Sean Pertwee) even says "I expect nothing but gratuitous violence from the lot of you", and that's just for a training exercise. Some of the most notable violent scenes are when one of the soldiers is running from the werewolves, and as he looks back, impails himself on a tree limb...and he must have been busting it Jesse Owens style, 'cuz that limb goes ALL the way through and like two feet out the back of him...awesome. There's a pretty gruesome beheading/head tossing combo that's deliciously gross. Coop uses a Braveheart sword to cut of a werewolves arm...pretty awesome. But my favorite is when Sarge gets gutted--his guts are literally out of his body--and not only does he get up and keep going, he runs...those Brit soldiers are tough as nails, I tell ya.

Like I said, the acting is pretty bad, but there's a dynamic among the players that is strangely compelling. And in true British fashion, they put the kettle on for tea...after the werewolves eat the front of a Land Rover.

The premise is predictable...werewolves attack people, people fight back, sole survivor rises victorious. If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. This one at least tries to be different by adding the element of trained fighters to the mix..even though they would have all been "killed" during their exercise, due to the fact that--as they were under strict radio silence, mind you--they had a campfire going, smoking & joking, telling scary ghost stories. None of my platoon sergeants would have put up with that shit. Once they get attacked by the werewolves, all hell breaks loose, and they amazingly enough stumble upon a chick in a Land Rover who takes them to the "only farmhouse for 300 miles other than mine, and I'm not home". Once they get to the farmhouse, they're puzzled by the fact that the fire's going in the fireplace and the stew's on the stove. But where are the people? Hmm. Well, let's just break down the door and commandeer this place, in the name of the Queen, amen.

There's a LOT of shooting, but amazingly enough, these aren't Hollywood guns...these guns run out of ammo eventually...kind of a realistic plot setting in my opinion. But of course, these are lycans, remember...only SILVER bullets can kill them...they kinda know this, but the bullets do seem to hold the wolves off a little...so have at it. Two of the guys, including Sarge, are only injured, so of course they start to turn (pre-dict-a-BULL!). And as they're picked off one by one, you start to get that "maybe this is it...the one where no humans survive" feeling. And you would almost be right.

Turns out, the people who live in the farmhouse ARE the werewolves, and the hot Scotch/Irish/Brit chick (her accent changes, remember?) reveals that she, too is a lycan, and she's picked Cooper to be her mate, because after all, "It's that time of the month". She tells Coop, "Being nice to women will get you nowhere--being nice to me will get you killed. You may think we're all bitches, but I'm the real thing." ...whaaaat? Sarge says, "It all makes sense now, we ate their porridge, we slept in their beds...they're pissed." Ummm...Sarge...I think those were bears in that story, but you're on a roll...and you're British and I like your accent, so go 'head. Anyway, Megan (played by Emma Cleasby, who was born in England, which is probably why her accent keeps changing) turns, and all of a sudden, it's just Coop and Sarge against the werewolves...but Sarge is turning as well, remember? There's alot of running around, frantic camera work to imply panic, and a very emotional "I love you, man" scene between Coop and Sarge when Sarge forces Coop into the crawl space to get away from the impending explosion, which Sarge achieves by cutting the gas line (don't worry...no continuity error here...their gas is supplied by propane tanks) and hitting the stove ignitor. Watch the trailer, 'cuz that house explodes like a mofo...it's a good one. But like I said earlier, Coop, Sam the dog, and one werewolf miraculously survive the blast, and Coop wrestles with the lycan a little before finding a--you guessed it--silver letter opener to stab the big, bad wolf with. Game over, run credits.

But wait...where did the letter opener come from, you ask? It came from the completely unecessary opening scene, where this couple is camping, and the chick gives the guy the letter opener as a congratulatory gift (he got a promotion), then they get mauled by the werewolves, who evidently are kleptomaniacs in addition to the bloodthirsty murderer thing.

Two things to note: one of the soldiers complains throughout the movie that he's missing a soccer match, and Megan keeps flashing the werewolves with a camera, which seems weird until it's revealed that she's one herself...so that's why she won't shoot the werewolves, not because she's a zoologist! During the credits, the photos she clumsily took are showcased...and they're AMAZING! Such graphic captures of the violence that took place that fateful evening; and then, at the very end, today's newspaper with the huge headline: some soccer team beats some other soccer team (can you say ironic?), and the byline: A pic of Coop with the caption underneath: "Werewolves ate my platoon". Ha!

Like I said, overall this isn't that bad of a flick...the character dynamic is oddly compelling, there's that ever-present dry British wit, even with the prospect of being eaten by mythological monsters; those groovy explosions, and a couple of really corny lines that will make you laugh out loud.

My advice: intoxicate yourself, pop some kettle corn, settle in and, why the hell not? See this one.

Nighty-night...maybe I'll watch The Howling II, Your Sister's a Werewolf afterall.